Nightmares are also dreams Part 30

I catch Sara looking as she realizes I’ve set her up. Her shock and wounded false innocence wakes a smile in me. One of those slow smiles that grow until you’re grinning. That slowly spreads until you are looking up from the deep well of self, shining out from your eyes and your pores. As if, suddenly, you are more yourself now. As if you are more fully awake than you have ever been.

I watch her shudder. She knows. Knows that I’ve constructed this just for her. Knows that she is deep in my web of machinations. I wait for her to call yellow or red. I know I’ve pushed her. She thinks that she has dealt with her parents but I know how they treat her. Like she has failed because she married me. Like she failed because she didn’t marry into some blue blooded, cold, social climbing family. Because she works and sullies her hands by brokering deals.

I know she is afraid of them. Afraid they will reach out their political might and squash me. What she doesn’t know is that I’ve worked with all of their friends. Small, personal contracts mainly but the bottom line is that they like me better than they like her family. And I have more than enough information to cut off any back channel deal they can try to cook up.

I can get along just fine with them because I don’t give a fuck what they think. But when she is around them, she reverts back to that scared teenager who is so different from them but can’t show it. She refuses to let me handle it. But a punishment and a scene can push her boundaries. Which let’s me handle this my way. I know she thinks that we are doing some kink shoot. And we will, we most definitely will. But first we are going to take some real wedding style pictures. Something we can send out for Solstice cards. Because, if they hurt her more than I can allow, I’ll have to do something I’d rather not. And this may spur a conversation that allows us all to circumvent that.

Here comes Tara. Fully body painted as a fox. She looks lithe and perfect. She walks over and presents herself for inspection. They’ve airbrushed the appearance of fur. It even shifts and moves with her movements. I snap her collar and lead on. Watching her beam at me. I glance over at Sara. I can see the war of pride and fear in her and know that she is trapped now.

Too long spent holding on

These painted flower memories
Playing back
Time after time
Bright and shining and lifeless
Just one more time
One more turn of the wheel
These not quite lies
Movies playing in the heart until the brain
Believes
This is what was
This is what will be
Painted pictures making truths
Until the eyes see
The mirror reflects
And what was
What will be
Drowns
Crashes down
Edifice crumbled
One more I love you
Before I sleep
Hope….
What’s that even mean?

Confusion makes the man

Absence is a distance that no technology can breach
The lack of human touch slowly shredding will
Need grows beyond capacity to compensate
Confusion/decision/false compromise
Giving up
What’s the point
What’s needed is beyond capability
Hold you close
Never want to let go
Slipping away
No future without freedom

Time opens new wounds

Words come slowly in the drip and dribble of obligation
What begins in pain and despair gives way to structure
Gives way to truth
And still forward is hard to see
Harder as people fade away

gone away too soon, fled before the fall

Quiet leeches into skin
Torpor pulling down
Blue sky burns clear
An alcohol flame
Wing outstretched
Sheltered in the lee
Drinking water warm as blood
Dark circles and piercing eyes
Held breathe
Slipping away
Last oblivion
Last peace
Last dream

Nightmares are also Dreams Part 29-Sara

I cannot believe that man! My mother’s dress! Like I would wear that frumpy conservative lump. And to imply that I had less than 30 minutes for hair and makeup…no absolutely not?! Just because he’s the Master doesn’t mean he gets to dictate how I look. We did not negotiate this and I am not going to let him get away with this…this…punishment. I encouraged our pet to play and she is super happy now and he punishes me! No, absolutely not. If he tries anything else, I’m calling red and stopping this trainwreck.

Pictures for my parents. They know that I’m married. They don’t know the specifics of our relationship and they don’t need to know! Their arch-conservatives rich bitches and they could start throwing their weight around. Pel thinks he can play in their world but he can’t. It’s all clandestine words of warning and bribes disguised as political contributions.

Pel’s idea of subtle coercion is blackmail and a gun. He’d get eaten alive in their world. Petty warlords and tin pot dictators have nothing on the political bureaucrats my parents buy.

Well this is going faster than I thought…

“Where do you ladies normally work,” Sara asked the makeup and hair artists.

“We work on Broadway, dear. Your beau flew us out just for you and had us sitting on standby all day at some private hotel,” the makeup artist replied.

“Flew us on a private jet, very posh, and we never went through security so fast, I don’t know how he managed that,” the hair artisan said.

That son.of.a.bitch. He was planning this the whole fucking time. Flew them across country on a whim! Bullshit. He was going to do this the entire day. He was just waiting for me to disobey or infract in any way and if I didn’t he would have set up a no win scenario.

That sneaky, conniving, beautiful bastard of a man.
I look over to see him sitting in his tux, reading on his phone and drinking a glass of pineapple juice. Not a care in the world.

He looks up like he can tell I’m looking and that slow possessive smile creeps across his face, darkens his eyes and the hunger their makes me shudder.

My Pel.

When we jump, will we fall or fly?

Nights passed and still sleep has yet to find me
Words unsaid
Unthunk
Undone
Unravel out seeking tether
Weary eyes no match for a weary heart bound up in aching
Telling myself what is
Telling myself what to do
And still my heart pounds and screams
Rocking itself to anything but sleep
The conscious mind says follow the path
Says wait
Says we have a plan and a way and just follow the steps
And my heart cries
But not so schismatic
We are united
Maybe that’s the gift of knowing
To break oneself into pieces which observe and know the whole
Or maybe my tired brain is seek connections
To hold onto any truth to keep from sinking
And maybe I want to sink
Though I’ve seen the dark precipice of death from the shores of drowning
And its not peaceful
So no sinking
But my mind drowns
Drifts away
Untended
Untethered
How to sleep?
Waiting for fate to flip the next card
Was it always this hard…
Probably
It’s easy to forget the sludge dark
When you have somehow managed a bit of time in the sky

Stars birthed, eyes unfocused

Pain flares
Break the surface
Tension squeezing down
No surcease
Just these days passing
Flares fly
Signaling future possible
Clawing forward
Another hour
Another day

A billion miles, to flare and die, ere reaching a destination

Nothing wakes in the palace of death
Where lives break and hearts die
Truths unveiled
From a river of blood
The leprous moon
Bays its children home
Light fades in the eyes of those chosen
Each turn and turnabout
Lost labyrinth
Quiet burns away
Time leeches the bright sun
Skies open in smiles
And nothing that was
Survives the wind whipped
Flaying
Savage knives turned into
And breaking
Final remorse
Before the last tear falls