Soft notes
Looking across the room
Into your eyes
Shocked recognition thrills up spine
Sad note of missed opportunities
Wistful reaching
Across the dance floor
Beat pulls us closer
Through the dancers
Their wild gyre
Obscuring the sight of you
Each re-emergence sending
Lightning through my heart
Step, step, step
Measured movements
Face to face
Hands clasp and on hip
Sway and burn into your eyes
Move together
Actions blurring in the fury of our passion
Past burned away
Until only now
And us
Remain
Month: April 2018
Two first names
Uncertainty draws vital fluid
A spinal tap of the will
Captured in the maze
No way out without a compass
No guides or guidance
A vision of pure ego
Without the strength
To stay the course
Flitting from idea to idea
No follow through
Ambition but no logic
Give a person tools
Watch them build or fall
Run or sprawl
Instead of this empty fog
A cutout that knows they are a cutout
Not a smart move
Par for the course
Heavy lid drops down
Rush
Pound blood
Soundwaves ringing
Softer than most hear
Pressured emptiness
Giving out
Breaking down
Too tired to scream
Earth undulates
Vision fogs
Vaguely incomplete
Verge of waking
Hot and terrible
Sleep calls
Beckons
But exhaustion is my mistress
Sleep only embraces
When heart blooms
Dying from the lack
There’s only so many days you can be sleep deprived without going crazy
Or you’d think that but here you are
Or maybe seeing movement out of the corner of the eye
ISN’T a anxiety reaction and you are hallucinating
Maybe that manic feeling right as caffeine hits your limbic system is that swing to thinking you are fine and everything will work out
Sanity is such a fine line
And ever present emotional pain bubbles up like tar
Coating every surface making it harder to move
No solutions
Just want to be held
Whether physically
Or buoyed up by your words
So I can sleep
So I can make it to you
So we are safe
We
Thinking as a we
When we aren’t yet a yes
My sanity must be slipping
Persistent memory
Glint of tomorrow
Transfers on contact paper
Powder burned
Room so cold it requires a blanket
The gift of a raven
Hints at a heat known only
By dreamlight
Obscured by a fogged horizon
Reaching out
Trembling
Fall asleep
The only place for us
For now
What sleep is
I sleep
Facing east
Knees slightly bent
On my left side
Pillow underneath left arm
Neck on top of another pillow
Cradling the crook
I sleep
Right arm behind me
Perched atop more pillows
Left arm outstretched
Pointing towards you
I sleep
Wearing normal clothes
In case of fire
Or emergency
I won’t be caught unawares
No shoes
No socks my concession to comfort
Though I am comfortable
I sleep
Single light bulb on
Illuminating my bedroom
Not out of fear
But because it’s easier to act if you can see them coming
While we’re talking sight
I wear my glasses to sleep
Only taking them off when I shower
I sleep
Facing the single entry to my room
No windows
Door locked
Blade never far from me
But concealed
Live a certain way for long enough and some things never leave you
I sleep
Breathing in and out
Telling myself that tomorrow doesn’t matter
Only now and now is sleep time
You can see how well that’s working
Since I’m writing this
I sleep
Alone
Longing to hold her in my arms
Snuggled up under the blanket she gave me
Because this is as close as possible
The air conditioner is on because
Here it’s hot and I can’t bring myself to put it away yet
I sleep
Pel and Sara Stories
To those who don’t know, I write a series of Erotic Fiction centered around 2 specific Characters. Pel and Sara.
The first 3 stories are available on Amazon for free if you have Kindle Unlimited.
Otherwise the cost is 1$
If you would like a preview: the first story is available on audio at the top of the page: under Ballroom
The third is found at the top in it’s own Page: Valentine’s Day
I am starting a New story featuring those characters. There will be some erotica but it will center around more drama than sex.
I hope you Enjoy the new story: Nightmares are also dreams: A Pel and Sara Story.
Look for it Every other Monday. Starting today.
Nightmares are also dreams: A Pel and Sara story: Part 1
The gold embossed Swiss inspired mini grandfather clock ticks its slow way through the morning. A double insulated steel mug chills to the side fizzing with the just poured in Diet Coke. A wide shouldered, slightly overweight, just over six foot tall man sits. Back hunched over looking at the computer screen.
That’s me. Pel of Darkling Spire Security. It’s ok. I’m sure you’ve never heard of us. We provide discrete services to discerning clients. Discerning mostly meaning willing to pay at least in the low six figures. Don’t let the mahogany desk or wood paneling fool you. This isn’t the office of a country lawyer or a conservative think tank. What we mostly do here is protect people from being killed or very rarely protect someone by killing someone. Though the latter service is not one we generally advertise.
I’ve been doing this for twenty years. An eternity in this kind of business. Especially for a small firm. I am both the most dangerous and least dangerous person I employ. I can put boots on the ground in any country with a name and a few without in 36 hours. Every person here is a heart breaker and life taker. Even my secretary, Janice, has a body count.
I’d put my secretarial pool and the mail room boys and girls against most branches of the armed services worldwide. Where numbers were equal, that is.
I handle the contracts and the glad handing. The political situation and the personnel. And a few special projects.
One such project is sitting on my screen. The remains of a dozen or so men and women. Tortured and murdered over the last 5 years. Not in some battlefield shit hole, but in my city. Among people who should have been treasured and protected.
There’s even a little video. It’s a cross between the Saw films, Hostel, and some fucked up eastern European sex trafficking thing.
Why am I even looking at this kind of thing? Don’t I have analysts for this? Sure I do. And they are combing over this, looking for information. But there are a few rules for this kind of life.
One, Never give an order you know will not be followed.
Followed closely by Two, Never ask your people to do something you are unwilling to do.
As to why am I looking? Other than rule two, my girlfriend Tara almost fell prey to this very thing. The only reason she is alive now is their methodology. It seems that they break their prey. Making them crave what they are doing. Then they release them. Until the person comes crawling back begging to be taken back into their care. It’s a power trip and a way to torment the people they enthrall.
In that brief window, I found Tara. And failed to find even the hint of this in my preliminary background checks. Beautiful, inexperienced, and adventurous, she fell for her Masters Fetlife profile hook, line, and sinker. That’s right, she is a submissive. From what I can gather she was a Pet. Animalistic and fox in her fursona. And he seduced her and damn near broke her.
Beware of people calling themselves Master, at least without contactable references. It’s never a good sign.
I glance over to the picture of Tara cuddled up with my wife Sara. I close my eyes. The horror of these pictures. Against the thought of either of my girls in that situation… Yeah, a little exciting. But only if we talked about it and only with consent. And only Sara. Tara is far too fragile for that kind of game.
And that’s the other shoe, I fucked up pretty badly recently. Sending Tara into a full blown ptsd flashback. Sara is helping as best she can but we’re not equipped for this. And therapist that knows the lifestyle as a positive thing and sees polyamoury in a good light who are equipped to handle Ptsd and other traumas, not as plentiful as you might think.
But this, finding the ring of people doing this and shutting it down, hard? This I can do.
Step away from falling
display a fragile darkness
Recognized by all in pain
Am I a creature of recrimination
and bitter self doubt
Cast full flesh to the flame
Or cool water
Quenched and drowning
Slipping away beneath the skin
Gorged full of yearning
Turning on the wind
Half obscured reveal
Lethe pulls down
Drinking self
Inhabiting another’s thoughts
Angry anxiety
Rail against what is
Running
Taunting
Trading one gang for another
Perspective shift
Both runner and chase
One seeking safety
The other seeking safe
Dangerous to others
Fighting wars
Reasons for the things we do
Truth eludes us
Until we look behind
And read the why’s on the wind
