Drag me to the river
Dump me right in
I’ll float down to the sea
Where I’ll be done in
Last gasp of the forbidden
Last dance before sunset
Last night on earth
Month: April 2017
Kaleidoscope
Red sky’s give warning
but blue sky’s are just as bad
Give me a grey sky full of mourning
Or a night full of stars
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Time dilation never works the way you want it to
When does a week feel like an eternity? I honestly thought it had been at least two weeks, but I checked the calendar and just one. I’m floored. It feels like so much longer. Like years, like decades. I miss you every day. Sometimes every hour. I miss the sure knowledge that I’d dreamwalk to you and we’d sleep together in our dreams and both our days would be better for it. I miss you telling me that you woke refreshed and happy and I felt like I was apart of that because I’d felt you in my arms. Though usually you got hot and pushed me away and I would say “you can hold me if you want to”. So we’d switch places and sleep the rest of the night.
One week! Feels impossible that so little time has passed. And really, I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to watch you go. I accept it because I have no choice but it is never a decision I would make on my own.
I thought it would be easier though. I was very wrong.
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Is it OK?
Is it OK
that I think of
holding you?
It’s
the only way
I can fall asleep
…
Sometimes
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The wine guy
There’s wine in my room
Because I have no room to store it
Because I chose, in my youth that I’d be a wine guy.
Neverminding that I can taste every element of it
including the alcohol
and it’s hard to aquire the taste for something that is essentially poison.
But I’m the wine guy
with opinions on pinot noir vs chardonnay
but really I’m saying that one masks the poison better than the other
That one has a bite but doesn’t feel like being bitten.
That one I can drink but the other I’ll decline because I don’t drink whites
but really it just tastes like oak and rubbing alcohol.
I’ll drink blends because I’m a wine heathen
but I’ll say it’s because the combination meets and creates a uniqueness that must be savored
when I really mean that this combination tastes delicious
I don’t have to control my face to keep the disgust off of it.
After ordering a 12$ glass it’s hard to justify not drinking but wait, ah, too oaky.
It needs to be drunk in one to two years when the finish softens.
I know these things
I’m the wine guy
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Midnight breakfast
Heartache’s luxury breathes where lights burn
the thick smell of pancakes and fresh blueberries
passion wakes but all was lost ere it started
words falter in the debate of will or won’t
A mad dash for someone to hold
and lost amidst the jasmine
soft smells of resin and yellow pollen
waiting
unable to speak.
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Living for the memories
Fire flashes
last dance
night falls
golden light pours over the horizon
slow walk
more drudgery
memories burst
music swells
bass drops
Bodies writhe in heats abandon
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Lost composure
Drunk on light
Barely aware
Slipping away
Hoping for…
Something
Waiting for…
Unknown
Working towards…
Nothing
And the barren notes of a silent Symphony
Crash
I am buried
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Dreams ending
Life drains away
Second become minutes
The slow torrent becomes
Drip
…drip
……drip
Last light before the fade
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That’s depression talking
I don’t see myself as less, except on alternating Wednesdays or when I haven’t gotten enough sleep and my brain won’t stop telling me that this is all my fault. I am mostly aware that people love me and that I am a person worthy of love, except at 2 AM and the clock keeps ticking by and I’m sitting alone without someone who wants to hold me. I know that I laugh and make jokes that people find funny but I’m at my most cutting edge of laughter when I’m in such pain that there is no other outlet. Other than shouting and crying, and that’s frowned upon while sitting at my desk at work. I know I’m alright most of the time but sometimes I’m not.
And creeping along, I find myself filled with the need to get out, get out, get out. Just a flick of the blade and a few minutes till it’s over or jump from the roof, the fall will be interesting, or get a gun and go out to the desert to watch the sunrise one last time.
It’s not because I don’t love this world, because I do. I love the stirring of the trees in the wind. I love rain falling. I love watching people be unselfconciously themselves when they think no one is watching.
But I’m also that broken thing, this bag full of glass and I think it would be easier to not be here.
I need that connection of someone who wants me. Maybe just to hear my voice or to read my words on the screen. To look forward to hearing from them. To need that connection to be one step closer to happy.
They say love yourself before you can love others. I do. I know myself and see my self, it’s just that I feel unwanted and unloved most of the time and that feeling makes it hard to step out the door. And when I’m with someone, it all seems possible and the world is brighter and the work of living seems less like work.
And then it, somehow, is over or ended or put into some kind of holding pattern. It’s not that I need to be in a relationship, it’s just that I don’t feel worth love most days and I’m keenly aware of how I feel. When I’m with someone, I at least know that they like me, and if they do, maybe I’m worth love.
It’s not logical and I know that. I know that people love me. But I sometimes feel so alone and I can’t be the person who is constantly reaching out for reassurance. I don’t want to be that person who is the burden on their lives.
Pelgris 