I suppose it comes down to this. I am willing to play games, to see if a relationship with you will be worth it, but at the end of about a month I’m done and I want to know what we are doing. I’m ok with fun times and casual whatever. But I want to know that is what we are. And I will keep looking if that is all that you want. But the games stop. And if you decide that you just want to be good friends, brace yourself for a bit of culture shock. I don’t treat my friends, even my good friends, the way that I treat lovers and potential lovers. Not that I treat them badly, but they get less of me. Less of my time, less of my attention, just less. I’m perfectly willing to be friends with ex’s but I find that they don’t want that, not really. When they say they want friendship, they mean they want the same level of access as I give lovers, but without actually being with me. I don’t do that. It is unfair to the people who are with me. And before you think I am cheating on anyone, no, I don’t do that. I am not exclusive with anyone, their choice. I prefer inclusive polyamory. But I can do exclusive, just no one ever asks for that with me. Perhaps I should be a bit offended, or not, who can say?
friendship
Rambling thoughts on love
It’s as simple or as complicated as we make it. Loving another is always going to be messy. But it is always worth it. Even when it hurts. Even when it feels like your heart has been ripped out. It is always worth it. To cast yourself open into the yawning abyss, hoping their love will catch you. That your love, together, will halt the fall. I don’t know any other way to do it. Not and have it not take years. Ask any of my friends. For all that I am open, I’m a hard man to get to know. My friendships take years to form. And I love every one of my friends. And from most, I would try for a intimate relationship with, if that is what they wanted. I feel I’m rambling now. The point is that love, while painful, is always worth the pain. People create walls around their selves. Trying to keep out every possible hurt. But that keeps out most of everything. I speak from experience. I shut myself off. Turned off all the things that were painful and felt nothing. Blocked behind walls, behind doors, inside a bubble. Trapping myself inside, to protect from the pain.
It didn’t work. All the pain, the sorrow, all of it just built and built until it crushed through my walls. Battered them to pieces. There is no wall high enough or thick enough, no defense built well enough that it cannot be breached. The only choice becomes to deal with it.
Again, I seem to have lost the thread. Love is always worth the time, the pain. I have never been more happy than when expressing love. Never been more at peace than when I am holding someone I love in my arms.
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My night out
That moment of hope between waking and dream
just that moment before it’s all that it seems
just the seconds that pass in heavy silence
just the times when on the tip of my tongue I’ve not said
I want you on the tip of my tongue
just these moments we let flow by
whether from desire or its lack
just this not quite fear
not enough to make me act
and the desire to say yes, mistress/yes, master
take me
use me as you desire
and in the morning make me coffee
and kiss
but this slow silence where it’s all ponderous dream
and the next round
the next dream
the next chance?
It’s on me.
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Intimate vs Friend relationships
I get hurt so badly from relationships because of a realization. The realization that the only way to allow for a potential beyond friends is to throw the doors open wide and allow them in from the word go. So, someone I’m interested in romantically, effectively holds a dagger to my heart. They cut the line, as it were, and get all of me. Which means when it goes south they do significant damage. I compartmentalize so I may seem fine but my inner world is trashed, chaotic and emotions can sweep through like a tsunami.
Friends, friends is different. That is a slow process as I come to know them and what aspects of my life and personality that I can safely share. So when someone I’m interested in romantically says let’s be friends and see where it goes, I can nearly instantly know it’s not going to work out. I can’t think of anyone who may be interested in a romantic relationship deferring that relationship for possibly years.
For many people, friendship is casual. Not for me. What most consider friends, I consider to be Associated. And associated at the lowest level at that. Most people who I like but don’t interact with often fall into this category. There are few who make their way past that point. But those that do become very important. I trust them. And by and large, I don’t trust anyone, not fully.
So, there you have it. If you want to be my friend, settle in. Be yourself. But know, it may never happen. If you want to get into a intimate relationship with me, sometime before several years have past, don’t take the “let’s be friends and see what happens” path. It won’t go like you think.
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Thoughts on friendship
I am baffled by how casually people count friends and friendship. Seemingly, people drop in and out of their lives and this is acceptable to them. If I put in the effort to cultivate friendship I expect it to last. To be worth more than casual acquaintance.
Friends are the family I choose. I love my friends, would do harm for my friends, in some cases sacrifice my life for them. I am terrible at expressing how much I love and value them.
So when I see this oh so casual behavior, it makes me afraid. Afraid that my trust and heart is misplaced, and afraid that perhaps they do not see how much they are loved. Or more distressing, that they simply do not care.
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Love rant
Love is a continuum,
Ranging from as easy as falling to a constant struggle to be understood and accepted. It exists in many forms
All forms requires a leap of faith or an action.
That may be part of my problem. Many of the people I’m interested in want to be friends and then see where it goes. Which is interesting to me because friendship for me is a slow process.
Further, I generally love my friends in an agapic way. So if you don’t want emotional attachment then neither friendship or dating is what is wanted.
What most consider friendship, I consider acquaintance. To me friendship comes with rights and obligations. Acquaintance is no strings. I’ll accept acquaintance from people I work with or share a single activity with.
But for someone interesting? Someone worth getting to know? I cannot understand why anyone would want less than true friendship, complete with agapic love. Why spend the time for less. Take a bloody chance. We are all so cautious with our hearts. We have all been burned. But pain is life. It is necessary for growth. And failing all else, it is experience.
Which is what living is all about. I’m not saying you should accept risks beyond your limits but we all need to have a little more confidence in ourselves and learn what those limits are.
Love, experience, learn, repeat. Life is devastatingly, brutally beautiful.
Risk and chance, chance and risk.
Sometimes it’s as easy as falling, sometimes we must screw up our courage and jump.
Pelgris 