broken

Why ghost?

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If I allow myself to, I will wallow in pain and hope until my world turns corrupt and only pain can bring me back around. 2 times in one year. Ghosted.

I am guessing that I seem like I would be an asshole or cause problems if I were just told the truth. Not the case. Honor demands that I treat honesty with respect. Even if I hate it. Sounds like bullshit, right? I’ve built up a lifetime of being in control. When I am with someone, I give up some of that control to let them in. Into my heart.

I write poetry about them. In these instances, I say goodnight and good morning. I say what’s in my heart. Always. And I warn, I always want a step further than people are generally willing to give. Tell me so I know where the line is.

Instead of telling me, they just leave. Disappear. Stop responding. That I don’t understand. Just let me know. Tell me. Telling me your boundaries, your hard limits are not going to phase me. Communication, please. Tell me something is a hard limit and I will back off. How can leaving be better? I left one time. One time I ghosted out. It is one of my biggest regrets. I had to get in touch with her, and did.

Ghosting out damaged me. Damaged my view of my self. I will never do it again. How can people ghost over and over? Do others have so little value to them? Or do they value their own worth so little?

I’m just rambling, trying to pick up the pieces. Trying to understand.

I’m still broken, just in different ways

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Is it bad that I don’t expect those that I love to love me back? That the mere thought, “who could love the monster I am” can bring me to tears instantly? Because of all the beautiful things I believe, it is this one dark seed that sits in my heart. This is the last piece of heartache I work on. I say this now because it scares me to say it. How can this part of me, this broken self be revealed and still be worth loving. He writes through the tears. But it’s a rule. If I betray my own rules, how can I be trusted to not do so again.

 

Jagged sky

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Feeble attempts to see past the brink
Past the bullets
Past the gun in my hand
And the sad strains of music meant to break reality
The feel of the muzzle to the left of breastbone
Cold and welcome
Finger waits outside the guard
A small step from freedom
Tethers frayed and only one more choice to make
The slow beat of a heart long splintered
No fear, only regret of the journey not taken.

Ice knife

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Beauty incarnate slash my heart
frozen blade
swift smile
in shallow pool of frost and blood
Sharp and tender
spill me out
Push it home
I’m tired of this slowly ending
Thrust it home
Numb the better feeling
Exhale crystals stained dark
Let it end
This drawn out damnation

Desires

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The simplest desires are the hardest to feed. I desire touch. To touch and be touched; not sexually, but to be held and told, even if I know it to be false, that everything will be alright. That you have me, that I have you. People turn that into sex or brush off the need but I can’t any longer. I’ve finally, irrevocably, come to terms with just how broken I am. Tears are a regular occurrence. The walls I put in place crumble when the false cloth of this constructed life is peeled back and all I have is silence. And a desperate need for anything but, coupled with a intense desire to hear nothing. Not even the blood rushing through my ears makes a sound. And at the end, I just want to crawl in bed and find that you are snuggled against me. I want your touch, the comfort and joy being around you brings, but I’m not quite delusional enough to believe you, or anyone could love me. But gods, I wish to be proven wrong.

Monsters

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I’m attracted to the damaged ones. The broken people. When I am with them, I try to fill them with love and beauty. Give them space to grow and be free. But it is not altruism that attracts me. It is like blood on the water.

And much as I struggle against my darker desires, I am a wolf. So the tattered innocence, the broken virtue, the lied to, the betrayed, they draw me near. I can see into the broken places and I desire to cuddle up next to them.

It is the monster in my heart. One I would rather die than allow freedom. I’ve caged it round with rules and obligations. Made it serve me. Hopefully it is enough.