A story of four silences

It wraps around me, the soft silence of a morning just waking, of a dawn just breaking, a hopeful silence, a silence of beginnings

But I, foolish creature that I am, break silence and say good morning to people who might be but aren’t quite mine. Not to you, my goddess, you have wandered away and I know not if you will wander back. No, to others who began so promising and are now this silence.

A silence of waiting, waiting for a reply that never comes, for the ease of conversation that began us. The echoing silence of a moment that cannot be recaptured and the tortuous efforts to spark anew.

The third silence is a thing of noise and speech, of nothing, for nothing. The meaningless babble of days passing without meaning, pointless how are you’s and empty Fine’s. A silence that fills the empty spaces and still rings hollow.

And a fourth silence, a silence just for me. A silence of the heart. A silence built of pain, off loss, of need, of dreams. A silence of tears and soundless screams. A deep abiding silence. Whose only cessation would be found on your doorstep.

A knock on your door to break the silence of dawn, holding you close to break the silence of waiting, a whispered “I love you,” to break the meaningless silence, never letting you go again to break the bleak silence of the heart.

hearts blood brewed black 

Should I write of terrible emptiness or speak of a future so uncertain no pathway is clear?

Is the act of writing catharsis or catalyst?

Form sentences
in service to the sacred
or am I a blasphemy,
unworthy of your consideration?

Embrace emotion and be bruised by cold shoulders,
words spoken softly
become daggers when syllables drop dispassionately

Fake dreams,
distraction from a life fraught with dirt standard ennui

Or passionate pleading prayers
to an uncaring universe
that this time will be different

Burn it all in pleasures and pains
that only leave me emptied
or fill me up with poison
fermented on the vine

Drunk on sharp edges and missed schedules

Easier to say
it’s too hard and walk away
than to embrace misfortune and ill timing

No right time for love,
no perfect step, no lull in life

Just now, now is all we have
Plan a future
but start today
or watch all plans disappear
as flash paper memories

You can’t push me away hard enough
once I’ve decided to stay,
but you can walk away

This desolate desert of ablated could have beens
A wanderer
Alone
looking for water

Feeling alone with my desires

I believe that if you love someone, you tell them.
If you want to be with them, you tell them.
If you are with them, you dream of them.
If they walk by your side, you touch them.
You touch in joy, in desire, in happiness. You touch to reaffirm that you desire them. You touch in public. So called public displays of affection are just demonstrations that love should not be contained. And if someone doesn’t like it, well, fuck them.

I prefer my relationships to be shouted from the rooftops. I prefer that we love out loud and loudly at the same time. Little secrets are for little children. If you are mine, then You Are Mine. I love with fierce passion.

I don’t understand walking without touching. Without seeing them out of the corner of your eye and pushing them to the wall and kissing them. Or pulling them as close as possible until someone shouts “get a room”.

I want to whisper poetry and hear your voice and your words. I want you to fall asleep at my side and wake knowing that you are loved.

If you have a dark side, I’ll match you step for step.

Join me, dance with me, love with me. I’ll do my level best to not dissapoint.

Windows open as they close

I got 2 days and 1 night of perfection. It’s more than most people get.

It was to aid a friend and I feel a bit guilty about how it made me feel. Taking care of her. Making sure she followed her tasks. Hearing that in that moment what she felt was joy. It was utter perfection.

But what was so transcendent for me, was, perhaps, too close to a reminder of what she’d lost. Two days and a night. I was the happiest most fulfilled version of myself. I made plans. Crazy plans. Plans to uproot my whole life.
But by Monday  it was over. She went back to her healing, her pain. And I was reminded of mine.

2 days and 1 night. It’s more than most people get. And its marked me forever

Song of the Day

Sometimes I feel as if the choices I make are all predicated on the choices of others.
That despite my so called autonomy, I am waiting.  Sometimes I wish that others would act as I do.  Would see my heart resonant as I see theirs and say you. I want you.
I would move the heavens for such a person. But until that day there is me, feeling this

Nightmares

When the nightmares begin
I’m your one and only sin
Dream with me, I’m all in

Love is not for the faint of heart
I tell you this from the start
It’s so hard we often fall apart

But I tell you that when the nightmares begin
I’m your one and only sin
Dream with me, I’m all in

I’m not walking away
I’ll be here till my dying day
I’ll be the one who stays

And when the nightmares begin
I’m your one and only sin
Dream with me, I’m all in

Dream with me, I’m all in

My call to arms

I’ve heard it said that the benchmark for love is whether or not you would die for someone.

It’s not. Death is Easy. We all do it. It’s going to happen.

No, the benchmark for love is whether or not you will live for someone.
Will you wake each day with the intention that today you will be as good to them as when you were courting. As when you were dating. As when you first saw them blush with their body. As when you first touched and your heart sped up a little.

Love is a emotion, yes. But in a relationship, it’s also a choice. The choice to love completely. To not allow all of the noise and fury of this chaotic, beautiful, mad world we live in, to not allow it to take over and intrude where it is not welcome.

But, people call me crazy for opening my heart so wide. And I won’t pretend that I have not been hurt. But, if I allow that pain to make my choices for me then I am not living. I am hiding.

I choose to not hide. To not be ruled by pain. By fear. I may not always know the way. But I know that love is my guide