Ramblings of a writer

I woke as Anthony and went to sleep as Pelgris. And though seemingly innocuous, I can’t help but think I lost in the process.

Some know my First name because it’s on my short story collection on Amazon. Some because I’ve shared it privately.

Pelgris is a public persona and very much a part of me. But it’s not everything. I hold pieces of myself back that only people who have private contact with me will see. Maybe that’s disingenuous, but I hope not.

But I woke with a hello Anthony in my inbox and went to sleep with a goodnight Pelgris. And it felt like a goodbye.

I’m probably overreacting. But emotions care little for rationality.

In a way, I dislike that my personal life is published. But this is my process and I can’t let something go until it diffuses out.

I hope they see it as I intend it. I am not sharing my feelings directly because my obsession with words should not cause you to rethink how you feel or interact with me.

And frankly, this is what I am. I write. Sometimes poetry, sometimes not, but I write. And to confine myself to public experience is to quash the internal sense that connects us.

Sounds like a excuse for incorrect behavior. I guess I can only say that I try very hard to disguise the who’s from the general public and only those in it will know from context.

And we can always talk, privately.

This went on longer than I thought. The first part is the important bit, the emotional bit. The rest is process. Anthony things rather than than Pelgris things.

Pollen laden bees dot the ground

Fell asleep tired and woke up to the buzz
You know it’s coming
It always was
Delicious delusion makes way for real
Sweet summer thoughts have no place in a winter heart
Honor like lead weights drowning
Unshed tears and accelerated heartbeat
Sadness of the lack
Standing tall
Bent like a reed inside
The minds a contortionist
Wrapping itself around its own needs and desire
Calling them real
Before they burst in cut glass shatter
Pieces embedded deep in open wounds
Made and remade
Lost in dreams of might have been

Starting to spin

Sometimes I want to do nothing but monopolize someone’s time. I don’t have anything to say really or event to go to or anything. I just want all of them, as much as I can handle and then a little bit more.

That makes me feel like a burden. Like, what the fuck? Where do I get off taking up all their time? They have a life, they have things to do. Moreover they probably don’t feel the same, but I won’t say anything. Because I feel like I don’t deserve it. And I’m a little afraid that they will shut me down.
Even more that they won’t but it’ll just be the once and I can’t stomach just one time when I feel like this.

I don’t know. I’d like to blame it on my 3 hours of sleep but I know that just sharpens the edges. It doesn’t make me feel anything that I wouldn’t normally feel.

Sparkles on the slippery slope

I’m starting to feel hopeful again.
Which means at some point I’ll stick my hand in the fire
Because that’s what I do
I leap before I know there is solid ground
Maybe that makes me brave
Maybe foolish
Probably both

But right now I have hope
No direction but hope
No horizon but hope
No safety but hope

Even though I know better
Even though I know how treacherous hope is
I feel myself light with it
I’m sure any day now
I’ll crash back to earth

What can I say?
I’m a fiend for cracking my chest open
And daring wonderful people to take a bite
A bit morbid
But hey, if you can match my darkness
We might have a chance

Stress reactions

In the last week my left eyelid has begun twitching. This has happened before and I thought it was just lack of sleep. But I’ve been sleeping ok. So it’s probably stress.

So what am I stressed about?

I’m not in a relationship. A few friends and maybe’s but nothing solid.

My work is no different than it’s been for 6 months.

So what’s changed?

I think, uncertainty. I’m good with chaos. I can handle it and even excel in it but extend that out for months and add in some emotional shocks and I think we have the recipe for copious stress.

My usual outlets aren’t cutting it. So the stress is starting to take a physical toll in the form of eyes twitches and fatigue.

There’s little to be done beyond what I’m doing. I won’t take medication except in dire need, so that’s out. I guess more meditation is in order. More something.

I don’t know what is possible though. I mean, I want what I always do. But how realistic is that? I mean no one is going to pop out of the ether and say hey, wanna hang out and maybe more?

I don’t know. Maybe I’m alone because I need to process. Or maybe I just don’t know.

But this eye twitch is really getting on my nerves

Pyrite Kintsugi

Broken is beautiful
Watch me as I put glass to skin
Painting sunsets with my blood
Is this not beautiful
Jagged flower vases filled with roses
Supping on blood as snow melt
Broken is beautiful
Can you not see it in my screams?
Tears patter down and canvas
Raindrops spread watercolor
Watch me dance
Broken doll limbs flail
Shattered and remade
Gold fills the broken
But the vase remembers being whole
Warm without these false spots of cold
Am I not beautiful?

Photonic reoccurrence

She was the reason I took pictures
Mostly I was just as content drinking in the sight without preserving it dead
But for her, I wanted to share this moment
And now all moments have fled

But still,
I take pictures and think of her
Only, now, these moments are filled melancholy
And these dead memories show only the light
Given now
To whomever would watch with me
And maybe
Someday
Hold my hand

Pains recede as hope blooms

Lilies unfold
Dark and cold in still earth
Barren ground
Yet they push up through surface
Crumbling hard packed dirt
Bursting to bloom
See me see me
Tears black with blood
Weep broken onto dying ground
Dying already
They are snipped
Taken
Starving they drink thinly
Mistaking it for life
They bloom anew
Played false
Beauty dies
Only blood
And tears
Remain

Thoughts on vitriolic speech

When we succumb to vitriolic language, we lose credibility in the marketplace of ideas. When one group espouses that all members of another group are inherently of no value, they set up a scenario of escalation by the people who most embody their statement and alienation from those who do not. That alienation has the opposite effect of the intended statement. Statements such as this are intended to highlight a problem and start a discussion but they have the opposite effect. Statements such as this polarize the accused group, causing not disintegration or fracturing but instead causes the majority of that group to, at least initially defend the group or try to differentiate themselves from that grouping.

This then leads to the people saying nay to the hyperbole, which then leads to a demonizing of those that say nay, then leads to anyone who might want to participate in a discussion about it to go silent. Because when all members of a group who have no choice in being that are vilified, outside of people who like to argue, they will see that discussion led to even worse things. And so, silence.

If no one is talking except to shout slogans and hashtags at each other then nothing can be accomplished. No discussion. No sharing of ideas can occur if you force the individual members of the group to acknowledge that you are right before you will speak semirationally with them.

Both sides shouting, no one talking, no progress is made. People want it all fixed, right now. Societies don’t work like that. The idea has to permeate the culture first. And do we want to have a hateful idea permeate a culture. It’s simple to tell if an idea is hateful. Just turn it around. Apply it to yourself and your group. Do you feel affronted? Angry? If someone said that about you would it make you feel good? If not, then you are spreading hate.

Hate is easy and it causes human emotions to flash hot. But it is destruction. Maybe you think to burn it down to rebuild it. But hate breeds more hate until there is no one left to rebuild. Or if there is, it will likely be people who rebel against your hateful ideas. Either way, you don’t accomplish your goal.

It is easy to say no compromises. But that is not how advanced societies function. Dictatorships do. But they don’t last and neither do their policies. One or two human lifetimes is the most you accomplish.
Real forward progress is accomplished by understanding and the slow process of new ideas embedding into youth and age giving way to the youth as policy makers. It’s slow. But it is effective and lasting change.

If you feel the need to fight, fight for someone’s rights. For someone’s life. For each other. Giving into hate creates a situation where things can’t change.