It’s always something

You know what really gets me about my emotional journey? It’s that I’ve work for about a decade to get to a good place. And still, I find myself crying over almost anything
Hell, I’m crying while writing this.

And I had a bit of a breakthrough. At least a threshold. I used a technique where I just keep asking myself questions and being relentless until I fimd what feels like a real answer.

And the question I asked is “Why do depictions of love destroy me?”

And the first answer is that I love people making that emotional connection. And while that’s true, it also wasn’t the reason.

So I ask again, “Why does love make you cry?”

And I say, because of trauma because of Morgan.

But that’s a lie. I’ve spent 10+ years working on that trauma and I’m in a good place with it.

So why? And I’m wracking my brain for the real answer and it pops in

It makes me cry because I feel like I don’t deserve love. And I pursue that.

“Why don’t I feel like I deserve love?”

And I reply, because I’m a monster. What I desire is monstrous and how can anyone love me with those desires?

Which doesn’t make sense. But it feels right.
I’m in a relationship with someone who accepts that part of me. But still. I can’t work my way past it.

There are almost always new horizons. And growth and the journey never end.

4 thoughts on “It’s always something

  1. naughty nora August 10, 2022 / 11:16 pm

    Hugs, my friend. I think you are right. The growth and the journey never end, while we are still walking on this earth. Maybe some have it all figure out, but I am still trying to figure out how to love myself, how to accept myself and all of my “shadows” (that’s the word my therapist uses for the hard/difficult parts of myself). For example, I realized the other day that I was being very manipulative with a friend, which shocked the hell of out me…and now I am trying to wrap my mind around how I love this part of myself. Anyhow, sorry to go on and on. I have always admired how self-reflective you are. I will be hoping you find some peace within yourself ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Helen August 10, 2022 / 11:45 pm

    There was a time that I too hated myself for some of my kinks, I thought I was unworthy and undeserving, unlovable even. What did I need?

    Just one fake Dom. Just one fake Dom for me to realise how wrong he was about me and for me to see my potential, my worth, my strengths, my abilities. I don’t recommend you find one, heck no, but sometimes it is in hour darkest hours that we can find the biggest sources of strength.

    You are not a monster for enjoying what you enjoy. Society will have you believe you are, sure, but then would Fifty Shades of Grey have been so popular if a majority of us weren’t at least a little bit kinky on the inside? Theatres were packed, sex toy sales increased, you have to wonder why that is.

    Be careful with questioning yourself. I use that technique occasionally too, but sometimes our mind likes to trick us and give us answers that aren’t really our own. Is it possible that the voice that says you’re a monster has come from an outside source? I’ll let you to decide. Good luck.

    Liked by 1 person

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