I don’t know how to just be friends with you without caring way more than I should about your happiness and well-being. I would like to be your friend but I don’t see how it’s possible. Not without feeling torn apart all the time. I know you don’t want me. I can’t pretend that I don’t want you. I think that puts us at an impasse . You probably don’t want to hear any of this. I can’t keep quiet. It is not who I am. I feel a profound, constant connection to you. And little by little I fell in love with the woman you are becoming. I think you sometimes use me to make yourself feel better. You know how I feel and maybe it seems to do no harm, but it hurts me. Because, unless your feelings have changed, I know you are just playing with me. I can’t. I won’t play the game. There’s this thought in my head that if I can ride this out we’ll be amazing. But you started this game right when I was at my lowest. Right in the week prior to the Anniversary of Morgan’s death. And when I fell back, like a moth to a flame, when you knew you had me, you stopped talking to me. This game is over. I can’t play it. Not with someone who would use Morgan against me like that.
manipulation
Seeing the grain, the stalk and the field
I wonder what people think when I ask or say something. Often, especially from women their response tells me that they are answering something other than what I asked. Let me provide a for instance.
I provided some entertainment. Entertainment that they said they enjoyed. Well and good. I asked, if you enjoyed what I provided, would you do a little thing for me? I will understand if you say no.
The response I received was a critique of the entertainment I provided. How I would need to do better to receive a reward. She also included a appeal to authority, with herself as the authority. Not a simple no. Nor had we negotiated a dominance scene. I can take this a few ways.
One: I can question in confusion, that since it was stated that the entertainment was enjoyable why now lash out as if it was not? Because I asked for something in return?
Two: I could be affronted and actively lash out. But that’s not really my style. Though I am affronted.
Three: I could fawn all over myself trying to please her. Except I’m not a submissive and more importantly this wasn’t a negotiated scene. I did not consent to this. I will not play under those conditions.
Four: I can do what I did, which is see through the manipulation and decline to play further with a bad actor.
I know I’m emotional, seen often as sweet, and have no college degree. I point out the degree because she mentioned her 2 degrees. Perhaps that leads people to the conclusion that I am somehow less. Less intelligent, less perceptive, more prone to manipulation.
I don’t have a degree because regurgitating facts bores me. Because learning by rote is not my strength nor my desire. I’m seen as sweet because I genuinely like and care for the people I choose to associate with. It is not weakness. And emotional, well that is true but I see with my heart, my head and my intuition. I often just choose my heart.
It does floor me that someone who seemingly knows me would so underestimate me. I dislike being this angry about it but what can I say, I’m emotional.
Pelgris 