Tapped out juggernaut

wish I could turn off my brain
turn it off and just be happy
turn it off and just remember
turn it off and just be

instead I dull it
break it
sleep away my time
passing away
as if time wasn’t all that I owned
and these thoughts that just won’t shut off

wish I didn’t read a thousand interpretations in a silence
in a smile
in a phrase

learned paranoia becomes just paranoid
taught myself to see all the angles
now I see right angles in circles
and I just want it to stop

and when I’m better
and when your there
I feel like I’m normal
like I got it mostly handled
and who are those people who feel like this
every day

who don’t see a cliff and for just a quarter of a second think about jumping
who don’t lose relationships because they second guess themselves until their person wonders why they aren’t second guessing too
who don’t work themselves into such stress that they lose sleep

who don’t find themselves awake at four am, yearning

But that’s not gonna be me
I’m the broken brain and broken heart
But not about you
just some weeks are harder than others
and I don’t know how to say it’ll be ok while I’m being not ok and just want to be held
but that can’t happen cause I’m supposed to be the strong one
the dominant
can’t show weakness though I’m riddled with holes
holes papered over but still bleeding
Never fully healed
but sometimes fully functioning

hard to know when to start talking
and never have I known when to stop

11 thoughts on “Tapped out juggernaut

  1. Coyote from Orion September 14, 2018 / 4:34 am

    Totally feel it. Words a little different. Gee it is how I have been for a while. When bands like Motorhead or Alice in Chains sooth my tattered and frayed nerves.
    You got the rhythm in this just right.
    Hope you’re going as well as you can be

    Liked by 1 person

      • Coyote from Orion September 14, 2018 / 4:35 am

        Same. Been a weird day. Power to you. Thanks for putting words out that actually helped. Enjoy your night

        Liked by 1 person

          • Coyote from Orion September 14, 2018 / 4:41 am

            Thinking of putting The Doors on though however.
            I made the worst Freudian slip today to someone who has only been really nice to me. Totally unintended though could have meant two things. Bon Scott would have loved it but I totally just heard myself say something normal that was so wrong. I was already in a shitty mood and just said stuff it.
            When I think about it though I really should be writing lyrics

            Liked by 1 person

            • Pelgris September 14, 2018 / 4:47 am

              Doors is just too nihilistic for feeling down. but I find I can’t pick music in this state. So I usually go random on my playlist of songs I’ve liked.

              Freudian slips are really useful! They let you know what you are thinking even when you aren’t prepared to face those thoughts. Most people understand when that happens. I’m sure it will be ok.

              Liked by 1 person

              • Coyote from Orion September 14, 2018 / 4:48 am

                I would prefer a Jungian slip… or even an Adlerian one.

                Liked by 1 person

                • Pelgris September 14, 2018 / 4:56 am

                  I get why you would prefer a less revealing slip. I think that I just like to know what my ID is thinking

                  Liked by 1 person

  2. Coyote from Orion September 14, 2018 / 5:46 am

    Paranoia has been no fun the last fortnight. Since around the last full moon

    Liked by 1 person

    • Pelgris September 14, 2018 / 5:53 am

      paranoia is one of the worst. not just making one jumpy but also thinking the worst scenario is true

      Liked by 1 person

      • Coyote from Orion September 14, 2018 / 5:54 am

        Too true. Familiar things are nice

        Liked by 1 person

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