I know what I want, say what I mean and try not to play games. But game playing seems to be expected, and if I like the person enough, I’ll play.  For a time.  But there comes a point where I am ready to stop playing and that’s the point where many of my relationships end.  Either because they only liked the game and not me or they think that me stopping the tilt-o-whirl is another game. 

I say that after the fact in some cases because often I’m not playing a game.  I’m going after you hard because I’m interested in you. And if you give what you think are signals, well that’s too bad.  If you want to be kissed, ask or kiss me.  Consent weighs so heavy in my mind that unless you say you want something I’m unlikely to make a move that isn’t slow or cautious. 

Past basic flirting, I’m not playing, I’m in earnest. But because consent is so important maybe it comes off as game playing? I am very up front about who I am, what I like, how important consent is.  Does my honesty play out as another game?

Last thing, my brain does not operate on the premise that sex is the goal.  I’ve…grown jaded with that.  Some see getting people to fuck you as power.  I prefer the more equitable exchange that BDSM provides. And sex as pleasure just leaves me feeling empty after, not during.  But there is so much more after than during. 

My brain operates on the premise that real emotional connection is the goal.  What I call love.  I say “I call”  because I have the sneaking suspicion that what I call/think of as love is different than how others view it.  For me, it is devotion and loyalty.  Affection and lust, for your mind as well as your physicality. Seeing your flaws and loving you despite.  Who you are, everything that makes you, you.  That’s how I love.  And, critically, I don’t demand that we be the totality of each other’s worlds.  I think, perhaps, the fierceness with which I love is confused with obsession or controlling.  It’s not.  I’m passionate, thats true.  I want a partnership, that’s also true.  In a open or poly relationship I want to be a primary, but that’s the extent of the possessiveness.  Maybe that throws people for a loop? I can’t know.