I am uneasy.
I can feel the blood coursing through my veins.
My muscles twitching in time to the beat.
Ache spreading out.
Circulation not quite cut off.
Dizzy and reckless.
Falling out of the edge of consciousness
Floating but aware as the drumbeat holds me steady
Sensation from outside
Fevered heat
Slowly melding in
Then a suddenness of pain
Almost shocking to wakefulness
But receding into the background
Replaced by eagerness
Anticipations building
Unbearable
Again! Nerve endings crying for more
Again! Pain turning to the muddle of both it and pleasure
Mixing until all is lost to rut and ruin
pleasure
Back pain?
My right back shoulder blade is in an immense amount of pain. I was losing my mind from it but then examined it and realized that it is right at the edge of my green zone and now I’m good. Weird how just a shift in mindset changes everything.
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To feel something, anything
When you are feeling particularly shitty and you just can’t stand feeling that way anymore, it feels natural to turn to sex/pleasure or pain. For me it was depression and numbness. I got to the point where feeling something, anything, was better than the numbness I was mired in.
I sunk myself deep in the ministrations of friends of Sara’s. Pain and pleasure became the only thing I wanted. If it hadn’t been for Eric, I would never have come out. I’d still be mired there. He loved me. And while the scene was a part of our relationship, it was the other parts that woke me up. That is something I will always be grateful for.
My family asks at Thanksgiving to write
down what you are thankful for then they share it at Christmas. Well, they don’t know my life. They are SO normal. I just can’t seem to tell them the truth. I’m thankful for Eric. I’m sad that he’s now passed. I have known love, real love, twice in my life. Both times, they saved me. I hope that I did something for them. For Sara, I will always believe I failed her. For Eric, I hope that he was happy in the last years of his life. I know he found love. I hope M knows that he was loved.
I hope that anyone in my life that needs to immerse themselves in pleasure/pain will come to me. I can help. And if, ultimately, talking doesn’t work then I can provide the service Eric did for me. It’s the least I can do for his memory. It’s the least I can do for those I love.
Pelgris 