I used to get 4 hours of sleep and I was fine
Well, not fine
But functional
In that I could keep going through the motions
But during that time I was deeply depressed
Everything was nothing and even sleep was no refuge
As I pulled away from that constant state
I found my habits to be the same
And that 4 hours of sleep would set me spinning
I’d be fine until I became tired
And then I’d second guess
And everything was off
Nothing was fine
Everything felt like it never would be
My work schedule changed a few years ago
Forcing me to change my habits
I was always good
At least in the beginning of such a change
And my sleep habits shifted
I was getting 8 hours of sleep
And those emotional spinnouts occurred less and less
And then 8 became 6
And they started to happen again
Then 6 became 4 and it was again my new normal
Same as the old normal
And while its obvious now
I came to realize that I needed that sleep
And the corporate culture I was in prized my inability to sleep
To be able to function on 4 hours seemed like a miracle
And I still find it useful
Because sleep isn’t the only thing that kept me depressed
Stress will eat away at me
And I will punish myself
Subconsciously
Until its too late
And I’ll not sleep
Because not sleeping is within my control
And I need that feeling of being capable
To really function
But for me
It’s not really optional
I can tell the difference in my emotional state
Now that I see it
How can I keep hurting myself this way
Though, I know I’ll still push
It’s in my nature to push
But now I see
And I will sleep when it gets too much
Because sleep is again a refuge
And dreams are a whole life lived
And I’m so tired
Of not living
Poems
Feeling the blood in veins; they say it’s impossible
Missing everything good
Life just keeps rolling by
And each step
Not getting any closer
Missing that energy
Happy to be out
Happy to be
Waiting for it all to come together
Waiting for that chance
So far from what is wanted
Rail against the system
It’s easier to shout
About things that are so intractable
Than to face the challenges
Which seem immovable
So close to home
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Belief shapes minds, not the universe
Eyes go wide
Watching the spin
Watching what is fast seem to slow
To stop
To stutter
Perception made false
Reality isn’t what we choose
It is what is despite our choices
What is real whether you believe or not
Whether you need or not
Whether you choose or not
Only what remains despite our desire
Can we stand upon
Mistake not the shifting sand for solid ground
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Waking up without waking
Overthinking they say
But is that really a thing
Sometimes grinding away at the same thought
I think I’m trapped in a loop of it
But really it’s not overthinking
It’s my brain
Feeding me
Equal parts intuition and lies
They mix together into a slurry of the possible
Always painting everything with a tattered grey patina
It’s not overthinking
It’s a brain on fast forward looking for patterns from nothing
Our brains instinct to create patterns
Easy to lie to yourself when you don’t have any puzzle pieces
Overthinking
Like that’s the problem
Like analyzing a situation is the problem
Like knowing how you will act or plan to act is the problem
When really it is only when that paralyzes you into inaction
That there is an issue
Only when you embrace the false narrative which you can’t possibly know without outside corroboration
Can you truly be harmed
But it’s oh so simple to fall into that trap
Bad habits reinforcing bad patterns
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Lyrics for the lonely
I’m a simple blank page
Wrapped up in a cage
Living the last vestige
One minute from bliss
One lifetime from kiss
Slouching south
Deep in the cringe
Used to live for the sin
Whip hand sang
Stropped leather on flesh
Wanting it all again
Instead I’m here
Languishing between
Waiting to begin
Fly to me
I yearn to start
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Bullshit laments of a white collar worker
Yearn for sleep
But keep it at bay
That distant sirens song
Oblivion calling
Rest after a day of being
Keep it away
Give just a few more hours of wake
Tomorrow brings anxiety
Sours the taste of sleep
Makes everything a little worse
A little paler
Life drained out
Trapped and uncomfortable
Too cold
Too much chatter
Not enough content
Not enough freedom
Going to work
Trapped with limited free will
No peace
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And one more thing…
Disrespect
Spin it like you’re in the right
You think I’ll be silent
You think I won’t fight
You mistake my compassion for weakness
Last chance given
Now, I take you down with me
Should you try to test me again
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A life of benign neglect
If I were as heavy as a leaf
I feel as if I could be free
But here I stand
A man weighed down by years and obligations
Remembering days past which
I spent
Frivolous
With abandon
As if they were forever
I face the future not with the sadness of was
Though I’ll yearn for those times
If only to share it with the twin of my heart
But instead In trepidation, hesitant
Knowing that forward is the only path open
Heart wide
Knowing that love will see me through
Even should pain again pierce me through
Even if all is lost
Still there is love
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Work haiku
Triumph delivered
Friday afternoon meeting
Cancelation, woot!
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A yellow wood
I once said, “I have no regrets.”
And meant it
But that all came crashing down one fall night
Then regret became everything
So much so that it eclipsed everything
Until I was nothing
Just an open wound
Pulsing pain
Looking for anyway to feel
And there again I felt no regrets because I was so deep in regret
That nothing felt different
So with no differentiation
Nothing was the name of the game
Eventually, I began to feel again
And I would say that I regretted the things I hadn’t done
The actions I failed to take
So I resolved to risk
To hold forth my heart entire and burn rather than smolder
And I hurt some people
Because I was still hurting
I just kept the thorns turned inward than out
So I began to regret those actions
So actions taken, actions failed to take
And neither safe
So I became mindful
Tried to be honest
Always honest
With myself most of all
And I found myself with even more regret
Not of action or inaction
But instead for being unable to act
Constrained by my word given
Once to let my partner dictate pace
And so unable to make moves for both of our benefit
Once to say that two masters cannot be served
And instantly regretting it
It’s what I thought but if life has taught me anything it’s that new information brings new thought
I wish I had that confidence, that ignorance, of youth
That I could enforce my will and bedamned to all other consequences
If I did, for brief moments, I would be happy
Content
But instead, I wage this long game
Hoping that my choices now will lead us well
And not to regret
Pelgris 