Author: Pelgris

Tears flow down, allowed to be

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It’s fucked up. To be lost in love, to be missing someone who is no longer there. To make stupid decisions because you see some remembrance, some twinkle of reminder in someone else. I want to say it’s seeing something wonderful in someone else. Something I recognize because I’ve known it. I want it to be a good reason. But I can’t help but see the other side and think that I’m being dishonest. That I’m looking for her in others and deceiving them and myself. That I’m seeing what I need to see.

Maybe I’m just not in the mood to be charitable, to harness the better demons of my nature. Maybe that negative view is bullshit. I hope it is. I hope I’m recognizing that glimmer of beauty because I’ve known it. Because I knew Morgan. I hope Morgan knows I’m trying and not just wallowing in darkness.

But I can’t know. The 30th is Morgan’s Birthday. She would have been 44. I loved her. I love her still. I’ll love her always.

As I love and will love all those I’ve loved. Because she showed me.

Torn Asunder 4.2

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Must visit page to hear file

Slipping slowly….unable to wake…or find my way home

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When I don’t have a romantic focus, I feel an emptiness. Like I’m going through the motions, like I’m not doing what I am. A cipher. And when days that are deep in remembrance approach and I am without focus, I fill. I fill with a vast sadness. An ocean of memories and lost hopes pours in. Until I become nothing but sadness. Until I lose my self, bit by bit, on a empty sea under a moonless sky. Until sleep and dreams lose their ability to be a refuge and I live in happy moments, deep in dream, which shatter as dust on waking. I seek almost any distraction. Trying to ward off a few minutes of thinking. Until, striped, without shield or succor, I am bare and sleep…traitorous…rapturous sleep…resets the stage and again and again, I lose her.

Better a dirge than bitter silence

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devolution of appetite yearning for the next pointless acquisition bleeds into limbs
Lifting and depositing eager avarice into wet red clacking maw
Small voices screaming for surcease
Unheeded and ignored
Self destruction made simpler than devotion
Placed pointless to gain ground
Stolen places and time
Daily resolutions
False hopes as it all slips away
Holding too tightly
All dreams
Die

Sleep filled eyes, dreams on my tongue

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My mind lives in a dream
Where love heals and hope is sweet
It flashes pictures of me
holding people I love
Of smiles and our closeness

But I’ll wake soon
Look about and know
Dreams are bitter
Their sweetness lays in lying
In the building of maybe into occurence

But I’ll rise soon
Heart woken
Knowing even through broken
What was may never be
What is cannot be known
And what will be

Unknown
But it will hurt
Even if wonderful
It will be a beginning
It will be an end

Lost in the ruins of failed choices

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Heart cries in pain
Mind searches for anything to feel
Anything but this
Grasping for short lived pleasure
Mewling when will fends away destruction
Holding on by fingernails
All the while yearning for someone to take choices away
To force sensation
Anything but bitter broken glass
But callous hands
Offered when the lights go out
When even grey Lifeless
Is better than drowning
Lost
Adrift without tether
Hopes quailed and fled

Lost in mists, hoping for the sun

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Pain in not knowing is phantom
Hollow
It fills and forms in shapes of fear
It billows and morphs
No minute is sacred
No place is safe
It travels with
Unseen until the strike

Love dances unbidden
Hand in hand with terror
A child of innocence
Unknowing in simple minutes
Flash fear

Physical distance of if only’s
Choices made for future
Fear
Keeps us from
Those last steps to freedom