I find it hard to write right now
I feel weighed down
Like I’m walking under water
Though it may be that a karmic debt is paid
I once ended a relationship by cutting off communication
I was selfish and capricious
And about a year later I realized how horrible I had been.
I Have thought about and regretted it multiple times a week since then
So to have that happen to me feels a bit like karma.
But it doesn’t change anything, I still regret my inaction.
And the emptiness I feel is like a Phantom limb. You know it’s not there, but you can still feel it.
I guess thats where the metaphor breaks down. Because I still want to hear from you. Still want there to be something there when you clearly feel it’s not.
Still want to contact you.
I’m trying to be mature and let go
But I just want to make some grand gesture like show up at your work with a bouquet of flowers dyed teal and try and sweep you off your feet.
But I won’t because if you truly don’t want me then, I don’t want to make your work awkward. I don’t want you to be unhappy.
….
Well at least the emptiness is gone.

Note: the emotions in this were real but based on a fallacy.  I made a fledgling mistake. Given how long it’s been since I’ve had a standard date, I guess I should have anticipated this. This was no fault of the woman I was courting, for want of a better term, this all happened inside my own skull.

To truly appreciate pain, specifically pain given or received as a form of or an addition to pleasure, one must first fully explore and thoroughly examine pleasure.

Pleasure and pain are simple responses to stimuli. But as thinking beings we have the ability to move between the two states fluidly and, With practice, substitute one with the other.

Most often this is done to transfer pain to pleasure but once you’ve gone far enough in that direction there is the desire to take pleasure and form it into pain. For the novelty, if nothing else.

I’ve yet to successfully do that. Though the results of the attempts is a delightful crippling of my ability to distinguish sensation itself as something other than a heightened mingling of pain as pleasure.

I hate the feeling of anyone having power over me. Its why, for years, I’ve chosen relationships that were doomed.

Ones which were shallow, which were physical only, or were based on the premise of having one foot out the door. But I’m there now, because I responded to a friend request on facebook.

I accepted the request and responded with snark. I didn’t expect a response. It’s Facebook, I mostly play games on it. I just accept requests if they seem to come from actual people.
But she did respond, and we talked a bit, and I asked her out. It went well. It continues to go well. I think we’re doing good.

And now I’m happy and a bit scared. I don’t know if she reads this blog. I did point her to it. It’s not a secret. My rule has been from the start if it scares me, it plays. And by the gods, this scares me.

Dating vanilla is harder than I thought it would be.  Different, not bad.  It is akin to Dancing to music you half remember with steps you were never good at.

When you start a relationship as a Top/Master,  you sit down and talk about what is and is not allowable, what both want, what both need.  there is little ambiguity. Which is not to say there are not surprises. Delightful surprises.

But the framework is there to talk about it.  If you want an emotional escalation or something else you can talk about it.  Of course, that is the ideal.  The reality is often not as clear.  But there is a feeling that it is possible, needful even.

In a vanilla relationship I am adrift.  I’d normally have cut ties, it being so confusing, but I feel a genuine connection.  And I’ve learned to trust my Intuition, having ignored it to my peril.