Pelgris

Cubicle 2

December 1, 2014November 24, 2014PelgrisLeave a comment

I bit my lip, not quite sure how to do this. I paced in the empty break room, the faint smell of burnt popcorn that seeps into the cheap plastic, all around.

“I’ll walk up to him. I’ll walk up and tell him how I feel. I’ll walk in and just say… What will I say? You can’t even get it out to yourself let alone in front of him. What is so hard? It’s the 21st century, just walk up and ask.”

I’ve done this before. When I was in high school I remember pacing in the parking lot across the street from a girls house. I paced there for an hour.

“I’m not that scared boy anymore right? He’s sitting there just down the hall. He seemed interested… He’s interested, right?”

Steeling my heart, I turned the corner of the break room and out into the hallway.

“I’ve been looking for you,” voice purring from Michaels throat.

My vision narrowed in making me feel like I was trapped. Fight or flight, but I froze, like a doe scenting a predator.

“Well, you found me, ” I said lamely.

Explicitly clear

December 1, 2014PelgrisLeave a comment

In case I have not made this explicitly clear. Or a friend that reads this blog thinks that is just a writer’s technique.

Let me make this explicitly clear.

I am Pansexual.

What this means differs from person to person. There is a textbook definition but I am not a textbook person. Textbook definitions lack a humanity that I find unsettling. If you need it, fuck, you’re on the internet. Find one.

To me this means that:

I am physically and emotionally attracted to both men and women.

I am physically and emotionally attracted to men who are(identify as) women.

I am physically and emotionally attracted to women who are(identify as) men.

I am physically male and I identify as male.

I am physically and emotionally attracted to men who don’t identify as women but who do dress as women except for those guys that dress as women but don’t shave their facial hair. Come on guys, at least try.

I am physically and emotionally attracted to women who don’t identify as men but dress as men except for those that don’t shave their facial hair. I might just not like facial hair. I’ll need to exam that.

So to conclude, if you are walking around, and you are human(because I haven’t met any aliens, but who knows maybe?), I’m probably into who you are.

I am in my mid thirties, I am overweight but working on it, I am way too into posting to this blog. And I tell people I love them way to soon and easily. (there are levels of love people, at least for me. This sends people running before I can explain that.)

So that’s it, I am a poet, a writer, a book nerd(scifi/fantasy mostly), I’m on my computer alone at 4:23 in the morning and I’m pansexual. I should probably stop watching Dan Savage and go to bed.

What?

November 28, 2014November 28, 2014PelgrisLeave a comment

It is when you stop looking that you find what you’re looking for.

What they don’t say is how often the person you were looking for is so often in a bad place or sees you as just a friend.

Or you found them and can’t hold on to them. Hold too tight like a drowning victim to a life preserver; It pops out beyond your reach ejected like a missile, an opposing force to your need. Hold too lightly and they slip past you like trying to grasp mist.

Then where are you left? Back at the beginning, how do you stop looking when you were that close. You don’t. You renew your efforts and end up adrift. A vessel without safe harbor.

You find people who are almost but not quite. Not because they are not seemingly great, but because they can’t accept something about you. You’ve fought your way through the competition and distinguished yourself as a champion but nah, your nose is crooked, you’re not what I thought you were, you aren’t enough in some way.

Denied entry from the outset due to some, to you, superficial slight. What are you left with? What do you do?

Poem

November 26, 2014November 24, 2014PelgrisLeave a comment

Thought this year, heralded by a storm would be my year.
And it was for a time

Walking in roses and wine
Loves edifice
And works rhyme
All moving together in 4/4 time

Beautiful and crystalline
Sun exposure revealing it all
Composed of lattice steel
Held together by the thinnest framework
Of flaked snow

Joints melting
The chance meeting of point to point stemming the fall
Gravity pulling it and me down
The slow, inexorable crash of hopes beginning

It all began so beautifully

Cubicle 1

November 24, 2014November 24, 2014PelgrisLeave a comment

The first day I saw Michael he looked at me across the cubicles, green eyes sparking heat, black hair curling at the tips framing sharp cut glass cheekbones and soft full lips. I think my eyes lingered a bit too long and he walked over, invitation given but not consciously intended.

He spoke in a soft rasp, bedroom voice thrust full into the daylight, all the more attractive for it being out of place. “Do you always stare at the new hires?”
I froze, temporarily unable to speak. My mind consumed with the flash of his lips on mine.

I stammered “Sor..Sorry?”

He replied wryly, “Are you not sure you should apologize or not sure what you’re apologizing for?”

“Uh…”

“How about this, I’ll come back when you’re less flustered and we’ll start over.”

He turned and walked away, smooth like silk on skin. Strutting out causing the muscles in his ass to clench and pulse.

I muttered under my breath, “Small chance of that.”

Middle of the night

November 21, 2014November 21, 2014PelgrisLeave a comment

Is there some grand gesture I could make that would convince her that I’m worth a second chance? Or are we talking restraining order territory? Who do I ask about this stuff?

I could ask one of my sexual companions, but I’m their comfort not vice versa. I’ve tried going down that road and lost what we Did have.

Should I ask Erica, the last person I had a relationship with? But no, wouldn’t work. I love her and she loves me but we’re not friends. Not any more.

So who do I ask? I suppose I ask you. Sad but you’re my confessor and councilor. .

When I wake from an incredibly detailed dream, wherin I kissed a man with a trimmed beard, it looked good on him. But what woke me was the taste of the Marlboro red double fine that he mixes with menthol and rerolls and the sensation that I got a beard hair stuck in between my teeth.

So I wake up, alone in my bed. I want someone to hold me as I hold them. I think what can I do to chance another chance? Anything, something? But no, my councilor is silence and I’m alone.

Sight

November 19, 2014November 18, 2014PelgrisLeave a comment

Whatever you want from me, I won’t see
I constructed my world to compensate for my lack of vision
I want to see, I do
But I’m oblivious.
I can see hierarchies and weaknesses, I can tell you within hours, if not minutes the character of someone I meet.
But you, I can’t see you.
Say something, please, say something
I’m blind when my own heart is on the line

Poem

November 17, 2014November 14, 2014PelgrisLeave a comment

When you walked away
I was elated
an existence abated and full

When you walked away
it was simple
you didn’t want me
no other answer needed

When you walked away
my choices made for me
my hopes lost in dreaming
Intensity and honesty

When when you walked away
i crowed it to the heavens
and decried the only faults I could
used as leverage
unsteady counterbalance
to a bruised heart

When you walked away

Slip the leash

November 14, 2014November 14, 2014PelgrisLeave a comment

I am pains’ pleasure and loves demise
A heart full of longing
Engorged, enraptured by carnality

Each night a new twist, a new flick, a new chain
Buried in it, burning in it

Knowing it diminishes me
Holding out, saying no
Until the only answer is yes

Yes, fill me with your scent, musk and sweat, sandalwood and smoke
Yes, drown me in skin, hands and lips, tongue, seeking, hot, wet and unerring
Yes, flick the lash, bind me tight
Let the burn of aching dissolve the ache
Submit to me our submission
Little is forbidden and limits are for the weak
Until I’m drifting, we’re drifting

Until release but no relief
Just a dull emptiness
I’m gone, you’re gone by morning
And I’m still empty
Not tonight, not again
The lies we tell ourselves.