I can see myself sitting at a long mahogany bar in a sex club drinking Macallan 12. Getting pulled into a booth for a little something by an old friend and hollow eyed come back to the bar, empty, feeling nothing, not even satisfaction. Still sitting at the bar, sipping whiskey looking into the middle distance.
Month: December 2017
Secondary definition
I say always and
You say That’s sweet
I say always and
You sigh happily
I say always and
You smile and duck your eyes
I say always and
You say I love you
I say always and
You say not ready
I say always and
You say not now
I say always and
You say goodbye
I say always and
There is only silence
I say always
Always wasn’t a promise
Always wasn’t an endearment
Always wasn’t romance
It was a warning
A cry
A bell chiming
It was the deep silence in the winter dawn
It was the quiet hush of a summer afternoon
It was the deep and abiding melancholy of 2am
It was a plea
Of understanding
That some people
Never forget
That there is nothing so fundamentaly luxurious
As the fading light of memory
And here I stand
Saying
Always
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Behind closed eyes
Don’t want to die
Just want to be seen
Even as I struggle to remain hidden
Better that
Than to see me barren
Bereft
Without even the hope
Of hope
Last gasp
Of the dying light
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Song of the Day
Might as well be my theme song
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Weird brain shit
If I’m confident in a situation then I’m utterly comfortable and I will be kind and playful. Loving and caring.
If I encounter something I don’t understand or something I hadn’t foreseen, I will go completely analytical. I will ask questions that will make me seem like I’m being oblivious. I will try to hash out my own feelings and fears because I don’t understand what is happening, not in the moment.
I think it’s probable that I don’t have a high EQ. Just that I’ve encountered many prior situations and I’ve already worked the scenarios and I have contingency behaviors for my contingency behaviors. Which may make me seem weird right? I see that. What I am is a INTJ that is sufficiently self aware that I know why and what I’m doing.
Not that it helps me much in the moment.
I have to have things explained to me. Once I know then I’ll start looking for the situations and try to have plans in place to handle things. And I’ll try to not make the same mistake. But I’ll make others.
Contingency planning only goes so far.
Pelgris 