To be a blade

I’m a book nerd and I have an admitted love for a turn of phrase.

One of the phrases that always makes me happy is “the old pacts will be honored”

It always gives me a thrill that the old ways will be honored. That the compacts made in the early days will still be in force and that others hold their word sacrosanct.

I hold within myself several such compacts. Oaths sworn that I will not break. And to see that reflected in fiction gives me a thrill.

Like the first time I saw a pansexual person(David Rose) on television, seeing myself on screen.

Though, in the case of a former, I do wish I saw the same amongst reality.

It makes me feel a bit isolated and alone that this is not the case. And I know that there are honest people.

But that’s not the same. Holding yourself to a high standard, never breaking your word. That’s a rarity bordering on the mythic, in my experience.

So I love when I see it in fiction, though my mind turns and, always with a wistful sadness, sees the world.

Thoughts on reciprocity and love

There is nothing I desire more than to have the love I am, the love I send out be returned to me by those I love. I suppose that’s where my failure lays. That I need that love to be returned to me.

It’s counter intuitive. When we love, we want, we desire, that love to be returned to us. But that is placing a boundary on love. It is saying that I will only love if I gain from doing so. And that is not love. That is calculation, that is want.

Or perhaps I am painting myself as someone to be held to a different standard because there are none who return my love. And it is easier to say that that is a fault of humanity instead of my fault. That those my heart love are always the ones least likely to love me back.

Or maybe the truth, TRUTH, lays somewhere in between. Maybe I need to be a bit more forgiving of my own needs, my own desires.

Or maybe I just need someone to hold me and tell me it will be OK.

Perhaps I should accept the fragility of my heart and just accept that as long as I am honest in my love, as long as those I love know that They Are Loved, I have done all that I can.