issues

Top 3 things I will fuck up in a relationship

Pelgris8 Comments

1. I’ll call it a relationship way before anyone considers it to be a relationship.
Then I’ll have to explain that I see all social interactions that are ongoing as relationships and then I’ll seem like a overthinking weirdo.

2. I will fall in love fairly quickly. And people will say that you barely know me, and I’ll say that’s true but I trust my Intuition and it says that there is something here. Love expands to fill the available space. It is not a finite thing to me. I’m not saying one true love or perfection or anything. I’m saying that I like, respect, enjoy your thoughts and mind and I feel something in you that calls to me. Again, weirdo.

3. I will fail to initiate physical intimacy, including as little as kissing until you are thinking Finally. Because I will not act without consent and I am steadfast in my rules(which I suppose is number 4). I don’t do the when the moment is right. I depend on my partner/date to tell me, Yes Now. Of course, I’m a passionate man so that may later seem to be a mistake. As in, I’ll want to kiss and touch and hold and hug all of the time, plus more intimate things as we progress. And believe me, I have no regard for public space. So PDA is very much on the market.

There are a bunch more but those are the ones that span across my experience.

Working through

Pelgris1 Comment

Sometimes depression gets the better of me. Sometimes I’m too much in my head. Sometimes my poetry reveals a thought or a idea that I don’t consciously consider. To me, that is the point. Not just to create something that resonates but something that also forces my mind and thoughts into the light. So that I can begin to work on it.

That thought that I’m not worth loving has been kicking around my brain for 2 years. And only yesterday could I force it far enough to the surface that I can begin to deal with it. Instead of being a secret I hold like it is something precious, now it is revealed for the cancer it is. Now that I cannot deny that I have this thought, now I can’t hide from it. Now it can be fought.

I know this is hard to read. I know that there are people here who care. I thank you for letting me work through my baggage in this public forum. Without this cold light, I think my mind could convince itself it could reclaim the thought. But now, it’s out in the world. And I refuse to be that man. The one who blames instead of solves. I’m sorry if reading it hurt anyone. I hope it didn’t.

So thank you. For being here.

Jealousy

PelgrisLeave a comment

I never counted myself a jealous man until I found relationships where my place was uncertain. I think some of the jealousy stems from wanting and not having.  I know if we’re physically intimate that when you are with anyone else you are going to have flashes, memories of me.  I am that confident in my abilities as a lover and a Top.

The other factor is that I am expecting at some point to hear what I would say.  Something along the lines of, “I’m here, I won’t abandon you.” I have real issues with being left.  Because of Morgan dying. I know she would have stayed if she could but we’re talking emotional states here.  It comes off as weakness, as not being confident.  Its not, but it is an issue I’m aware of.