I had a different post for Friday but then on self examination of the day,  this emerged.  And this hurts more emotionally, so it gets predecence.

I ask you why you smile at me; are seemingly joyful at my countenance because it is less painful to me to think you are just goofing around.  That you could not possibly be simply happy at my arrival.  If I’m being brutally honest, it’s because in the past those who looked at me that way, were in love with me.  And to see it on someone else’s face, who does not feel that aches.  Especially with my Intuition screaming at me, that if I were other than I am and you were other than you are,  then that look could be real.  A quarter turn from reality.  So instead I pretend that such a look does not delight some foolish part of me,  that I am suspicious of it, like such is a jest.  And walk away, hoping that on my return,  that smile will be gone.  While some foolish hopeless part hopes it is real.  (and real in the way that I knew it)

There was a time when I slept on the right side of the bed.  Almost like I was subconsciously training to sleep in the same bed with a partner.  I can’t remember when I started sleeping in the middle of the bed. It seems significant now in the silence of two thirty am. A signpost to loneliness.  I wonder now, how much of me is my shell. What I’ve lost by being incapable of casual.  A brooding presence, slowly pulsing, a gravitic constant dragging those around me down. Too serious and too odd by turns.  A lifetime hiding my desires.  Poet, Tabletop gamer,  RPG gamer,  Scifi/fantasy reader, penguin lover,  Pansexual, Priest of an ancient and mostly forgotten religion, Speaker to gods, Scholar of societies, Empathic, BDSM switch, Cynical, Hopeful, Will worker, Intelligent, Arrogant and Lost. I am all these things and more and more and more…. 2:30 AM.

You ever think about what we do on a daily basis.  How much of it is informed by what we see presented as normal.  For instance,  on television,  hugs between men always end with a pat on the back.  The only time you see a full hug is when the man is breaking down,  when the scenario is that he is emotionally overwhelmed.  Is it that this is a case of TV portraying society or is it something else.  Speaking visually,  it is advantageous to have a way to signify emotional turmoil in a way other than crying.  So is it that the hug variations come from a need to show visually what is essentially internal,  or is it a reflection of society.  And if it is a reflection,  which is the original image. 

My mind gets caught up in wierd details.
Generally with people I’m interested in. Sometimes it is something they wear, or how they do their hair. Sometimes a word they misproniunce or the way they see. I say it’s odd because this bit can push me either way. Into loathing or into fascination. A woman in a man’s shirt and tie or anyone with a goth sensibility,. It doesn’t cause me to fall in love or lust, it just makes me pay attention. All images rushing past my eyes, but some lodge deeply. Lips shaded the color of a deep red rose seen in the dying light of sunset. Just something I find odd.

Life is the story we tell ourselves;

The internal litany of who we are vs the external actions we take. The conflict points, the breaking points,  are where our actions run contrary to the litany;  for the most part this is not a breaking, in truth, but is instead a slow disintegration.
Eventually this erosion leads to either a breakdown,  if the self was  brittle or an epiphany ,  if the self was flexible;   as we age the natural inclination is to allow our self to wear down into comfortable grooves; but this very comfort leads to a hardening of the self which leads to the brittleness aforementioned;
Into this we inject the maelstrom other people and we are forced to make a choice;  to be the pillar or the reed;  to allow others to shape us or to bend  but still have our core intact; I suppose it comes down to how confident you are;
Are you enough without the influence of others?  Are you desirous enough of change to make your own choices to shape your own self? Are you conscious enough to make that choice?