I had a different post for Friday but then on self examination of the day, this emerged. And this hurts more emotionally, so it gets predecence.
I ask you why you smile at me; are seemingly joyful at my countenance because it is less painful to me to think you are just goofing around. That you could not possibly be simply happy at my arrival. If I’m being brutally honest, it’s because in the past those who looked at me that way, were in love with me. And to see it on someone else’s face, who does not feel that aches. Especially with my Intuition screaming at me, that if I were other than I am and you were other than you are, then that look could be real. A quarter turn from reality. So instead I pretend that such a look does not delight some foolish part of me, that I am suspicious of it, like such is a jest. And walk away, hoping that on my return, that smile will be gone. While some foolish hopeless part hopes it is real. (and real in the way that I knew it)