You

I’d like to think that the person I dreamed about knows that this is about her. I’d like to think that, but I don’t believe it. Not until she says something, and I fear I’m in for a long wait. But she makes me smile. When I’m around her I’m not nervous or anxious, I’m just happy. Not knowing how she feels, or If she feels the same way, that makes me nervous. But right now, in this moment, this time where all life takes place, I’m happy, nervous, scared and happy. All I know, is she is worth waiting for, worth the uncertainty, worth it all. If you are reading this, then don’t worry. You are not responsible for my emotional states. That’s on me. If you are reading, then I hope I can bring out as much joy as you do in me. Anyway, on to the dream:

In my dream, I am sitting on a bed.
You are close to me. So close.
My hands hold your hands.
Our foreheads touch and we are looking into each other.

We are so close, I can feel the heat of your breathe. Our breathing mingles in the air. This frozen moment. Then we both lean in and our lips touch.

We aren’t kissing but we touch lip to lip and our breathe comes a bit faster. Your tongue licks across my bottom lip. I shudder.
I tilt my head to the left and kiss you. Slow pressure, lips capture your tongue. My tongue presses against yours. Tasting you, tasting me. Feeling your cheeks, your teeth. Exploring your mouth.

Just this. Your hands in mine. Your heat, the feel of you. The taste of you. You. Wanting more, needing more but waiting until you are ready. Delight in your touch. In our now. This for a shapeless eternity.

A discussion best in person but sometimes…

You cannot choose who you love. I always thought that was just hyperbole.

I loved Sara but that was a love that came with time. It rooted itself in lust and became love. Eric was a love born of friendship and comfort. Each love is different. Each the same.

And each, I would not choose to have not loved, though each caused pain. Now I love again, and this time it was like lightning from a cloudless sky. Unexpected and igniting a passion I cannot ignore.

Despite difficulties, despite hardship, despite the shoals of heartbreak, I would not change my heart. I don’t think she loves me back, I don’t think she is in a place to love me. But that doesn’t matter. I am a magnet and she is true north. Ma petite tempête hivernale, you are loved.

Sunday night dream

I dreamed I was a warrior. A spec ops type. Retired and taking care of security for a vast mansion filled with antiquities. The mansion was inherited. It was mine. I was cataloging it’s contents and came across a piece that a old friend, a lover, would like to see.

It gave credence to a piece of her family’s history. It was about a man who once led a group of villages, a fighting force of ten thousand, unprecedented in the time during the rise of Carthage. He was returning from a battle to the east when he learned that Carthage had sent the majority of its forces to his home village. If they raced they may reach home and save it. But there are other cities/villages he is responsible for.

If they move now, they could occupy Carthage, then turn their sights home and remove a threat forever while expanding their might and becoming a full fledged nation state. This man chose to save the village gaining him the eternal love of his people and losing the war. In the aftermath, they save the village but between them and their aggressors is a series of ambushes and pickets.

Had they chosen to hit Carthage, they would have done so from a area not well defended because they were already out of pocket. It was designed to remove him and the force he could muster. And once Carthage had fallen they would have been able to roll up the ambushes from a direction they weren’t expecting. A defeat in detail.

Instead of that he lost three quarters of his men after saving his town. And by the time he stood outside Carthage, years later he no longer had enough men to take the city. Because Carthage won, they tell the tale of a petty king and tyrant who forced this conflict. But these artifacts and papers prove that he was a good man and simultaneously remembered as the worst general of his age and the best. He held that force together for years, and though they were ill from dysentery and flux they still followed him.

A single choice and the history of the world would have been very different. This man is supposed to be her ancestor. Her family has done well down the years and she inherited the title of Duchess. She is French. In this world the French Revolution was peaceful guided by her family.

I want to rekindle the affair, I still love her. We sit in an atrium filled with light from skylights and the sound of birds outside. We are drinking a light wine and lounging on soft leather couches across from each other. We are making small talk and it comes up that she is married. I ask was she married two years ago when we were having the affair. She says no, the marriage was recent and already she grows bored with it. The person doesn’t share her passion for history, for music, opera, and life. But it was a appropriate suitor as defined by her family.

I sense that she will divorce him. What she just described are my passions. I won’t interfere in the marriage, but I will be here for her when she chooses to make the same choice of her ancestor. Love over logic. I will research her husband and render any move he can make against her a shiny tempting poisoned apple.

I bid her farewell with the scans of the pieces and copies and translation. Kiss her on the cheek and tell her, she still has my heart, and she should come to me when she has cleaned out her house. Dream ends watching her drive away.

Dreams

I had an interesting dream. It was just me and a bunch of acquaintances and friends rolling around a city in the midnight hour. We were rolling twenty deep.

My friend ‘3’, invited us to a boxing match. Where she would be boxing. That is what they called it. When we arrived, we got drinks. I got a whiskey sour (Jack). We are standing around waiting for the match and out comes 3.

She is announced as one of the boxers and she runs/skips over to someone out of the corner of my eye. She kisses this leather chick passionately and the crowd applauds. Not because it’s 2 women kissing but because passion should be celebrated.

They bring out the other boxer and they say that 3 and this woman met in a chat room on fetlife called Three strands of Leather. (oddly specific for a dream, especially since it is not a forum/room I’m familiar with). Then this boxing match becomes some very light flogging, and general fetish play.

Almost a peice of performance art rather than in earnest. At one point I am sitting on a couch, with my shoes off in this seedy venue and the other woman sits down and pushes her back to my socked feet. She presses against them as 3 floggs her breasts with this small three inch strand black leather flogger. I liked that but was generally unimpressed with the display.

It seemed to take one of my passions and belittle it. I wanted to take over, take control but instead I settled for being a jaded audience member. Then it was over and two furries took the floor. One dressed in a cow costume and one dressed as a silver fox. The fox mounted the cow. It was a thing but the dream lost focus and I went back to a more standard, can’t find my phone, I’m looking for it everywhere thing.

Dream

I dreamed that I was living on the fringes of high society. That I was there to some purpose my great grandfather had asked of me. I believe as a spy, to watch the actions of a high society son.

Cut to a scene where a shaman is working with an investment group to buy up the local stores and install there own, like a Native American Walmart. But lawsuits were starting to pile up and the shaman saw the wind and the wind vortexed then shot away, back to his home. In this way he knew it wasn’t going to work and it would be better to keep what they had rather than risk it all on a scheme that was no longer favored.
Then I’m getting invited to a party where the high society son will be, he will likely get into trouble.

Then I and 2 friends prechild, get on a train and go to California but it isn’t cali, it’s the dreamscape that I refer to as little Seattle. There we have a good time and we’re all friends. 

We split off for a time and visit a dreamscape I call the conservatory. It is a near endless series of back corridors but in the front there are movie theatres, opera, plays, Orchestra and all kinds of other acts.

I go to a movie and see a woman who I Last knew generally speaking, in high school by the name of peasblossom, she is watching a movie on the formation of the universe and confides in me during intermission that she can’t leave. I find that I’ve lost my keys, phone and cards. But I’m able to leave and they are at security.

I leave to meet my two friends who are playing a game, A LARP really, but one setup by a company and one that is ongoing and interesting. I get drawn in and am filling out the forms to join. My friends leave, saying that they want to catch dinner before the train ride back.

They seem sad, like me staying is a mistake. But I’m so enraptured by the thought of this new idea that I can’t tear myself away. I tell them I’ll meet them later. The LARP group rejects my application, they say they only accept people that will work towards their goals, not have there own agenda. Dejected and pissed, I tell them that I hope their servers are secure because I’m going to rain down brimstone until their company is aught but charred smoking wreckage.

Then I leave, the elevator is to the arts place, it is more of a conveyance as it travels sideways as well. We eventually arrive near the place I’m to meet my friends but I hear an artist I like and step out. We are in a upscale bar with couches and comfy chairs arranged in concentric semi circles around a group. 3 women, one is smoking, which is a shock, since I haven’t seen anyone smoke in this dream. One is hanging back, knitting and smoking. One is playing the piano, one is singing. I recognize her as a singer by the name of auria, she is singing and bantering with the crowd. She is much older than I remember. The entire crowd is older but I am somehow unchanging. I like the lounge act she has. As they wrap, I get up to meet my friends, then I wake.

This seems disjointed but each scene flowed into the next. The only disconnect was the shaman.  In that I was there as an observer only.  A witness.

Dream on Monday in July

I dreamed of that I, a friend, his wife (another friend) and a couple of others had created something technological and interesting, a game that tapped into sociological, psychological archetypes to immerse the player in a truly augmented reality. Not just vr, but an overlay to consciousness. We were in talks with a major investor who had decided to show us a good time. They took us to a concert at a musical conservatory but this one had a dance floor made of parquet in the shape of a nautilus shell. The steps down were steep so I was holding my hand to steady the ladies as they stepped down the extremely narrow staircases. One in particular, touched my hand and a thrill of electricity passed between us. We bantered and on seeing the dance floor, I asked her to dance. Though, at best, my dancing could be considered enthusiastic. The party started to bore so we in the company donned our AR glasses and I booted up a music program where we could interact with a bunch of different musicians. Talk or request songs. Hear stories from them. It was something new I’d put together for us.
I remember us talking about it and to artists like George Clinton and others. Then I felt a sense of profound loss and I woke up.

3 AM comes each day and each day takes a bit of my soul in its passing

I never allowed for the possibility that I’d fall in love with someone who didn’t love me back. Who has said she doesn’t see me that way. I thought that friendship would be enough. That some contact, some laughter, some shared experience would be enough.

And when I’m with her, it is. I can delude myself that these crumbs, these small morsels can sustain me. But then, hanging out is over. She’s home and I’m alone again. For a little while I’m OK. But then I’ll see something, something stupid that will remind me of her.

Sometimes, contact with other people can mitigate the longing. Fill me up with something other than false hope. And I’ll think I’m being smart. Some time with her is better than nothing, some words with her will illuminate my heart and everything else will recede.

But here I am at 3 in the morning, sleep is no longer a refuge because she’s there. In my dreams, she’s by my side. She walks with me in the world and the world is brighter for it. We’re stronger together than apart. Then I’ll wake, alone. And I’ll know that even in dreaming, I knew it wasn’t real. Because my heart aches so.

Where does that leave me? The rational part says to deal with this. That to leave this as an open wound can only end in poorly. But I can’t bring myself to stop the delusion that maybe. Maybe if she sees my heart, maybe if she sees me in verse and story. Maybe the weight of experience will accumulate and like a light turning on she’ll love me. Maybe she loves me now and is denying it.

It’s a treacherous thing, hope. It can sustain us through horrors, drag us into a better future. Or it can bury its blade deep into our heart, pulsing the possible while slowly ripping us to shreds.

I wish I had it in me to hide from the truth. I wish I could just be happy with what I have. But hope has buried the blade deep.

Dream

I dreamed that I was sitting in my room doing laundry by hand, not sure why. While I was doing that a drunk drove his Oldsmobile cutlass through the window or my sisters bedroom. She was unfazed and kept watching TV. The guy tried to climb out the window of his car.

I handcuffed him and waited for the police. Then his brother showed up and I fought him to a standstill, that’s a little blurry but I think I jabbed him with a bamboo Bo.

We ended up talking over drinks at a bar 200 feet from my house through an stone archway that opens into a kind of open air mall. We have a few drinks and he is trying to help his brother out of a sense of duty, which I totally get. Plus, it turns out he works in the same circles I do.

He Works for the government. I do Work for a quasi-goverment intelligence agency. Work is a euphemism for paid assassin. My family, in whose house I was, doesn’t know what I do.

I meet a woman at the bar, while we’re drinking. Turns out I knew her in high school, but we didn’t hang. We have sex almost immediately. I remember it being good and urgent, full of need and desire.

We start dating. Meanwhile, I engineer the release of my colleague’s brother, though to my family, it looks like he was arrested. Me and the young lady, slip deeper into love. At a party, after a successful mission, I’m riding the high of a well executed job and invite my friend/boss to review the after action report. Both the execution and the results of the action will be especially good for us, I feel like I’ve reached a new level.

My love comes by to celebrate with me, we slow dance, but end up stopping in the middle of the dance floor. We kiss, soft with just enough pressure. The need for each other is still there but backed now with the firmer emotional background. She says, “That’s the first time we’ve kissed where I felt as a part of something greater.” I look deep into her eyes and say “I love you.” I wait a beat then say, with a grin “and I think we should get out of here, I’m pretty sure that dancing implies movement, not that standing here holding you isn’t great.”

She takes my hand and I follow her up some stairs and into a market, the same market from before. Time skips forward, she knows I do something secretive and that I have money, we are getting a drink, fireball whiskey, a couple of shots.

She is buying something at a booth and I’m waiting to order an ice cream sandwich. Ice Cream and booze is always good. While I’m waiting, the counter clerk calls out my name, someone else orders the same thing I would. The clerk delivers it to me, and the someone, a handsome man, he asks can he share.

He is clearly flirting and I raise my voice and ask my girlfriend if we want a third to join us, half joking, she says no and I smirk and tell him, better luck next time. I go to my girlfriend and we walk hand in hand to my loft.

She runs in through the wrong door, into my neighbors place, it is light and airy, full of plants and simple pleasures. She needed the sink, I apologize to them but they are just concerned about her, they are nice people.

She recovers and we go up to my apartment. The decor is modern, all metal surface and soft eggshell white.

Someone is waiting for us, tries to kill me, I fight and kill him instead, with a garrote that is in my collar lining. She is in shock.

I get us out of there to a safe house with a organized crime outfit that owes me some favors. She refuses to talk to me, she feels betrayed, but I need to make sure we’re safe. I’m talking with my contact about who could have placed the hit, then I wake.

Dream

I had a dream that I was the third person in a poly relationship. I was living in their house in Flagstaff. She was intelligent and cute. She loved the little things, strawberries with cream. He was a creative type, he came from money and was a little awkward with having a third in his bed but I never felt unwelcome.

My weight wasn’t an issue and they liked that I liked the darker things. We didn’t just have sex. We had long rambling conversations and genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. I was on a extended vacation and trying to figure out how to go to work and stay with them.

They had lived here their whole lives and while they took trips and lived other places they always came back here.

The dream transitioned into a harvest festival, she was a baker and made some pies, he spoke some memories that had people laughing and crying. They were pillars of their community and I didn’t want to embarrass them so I sat apart, but she insisted I sit with them. I did and received a strong kiss from each. There was some muttering but they held high.

I’ve never felt so accepted or loved. After the party broke up I went exploring, this was Flagstaff and not Flagstaff, the University was shutdown for years and it was traditional to go exploring in there after festival.

I went and quickly got lost. But I never despaired. I knew that I had a reason to keep going. I had to get back to them. I can’t remember why I left. Some foolish whim. Some towns folk played a prank where they dressed like monsters and hunted the people in the place. It was scary but it was a game and no one got hurt.

I hooked up with a larger group and led them to safety out of the buildings. They said it was the first time so many people weren’t turned into zombies by the end of the night. And I went home, triumphant, and into their arms. Then I woke.

Wake

I dreamed of a store having some kind of special. I was shopping and a woman came up near me and made an interesting comment. I remember dark hair and eyes piercing enough to cause pain. I remember her tall but when she moved away she was shorter. But it was the eyes and her voice, her words that captivated. There is a whole story of loss and courage, of redemption. But I don’t care to tell it. Instead I’ll dwell on the waking. I wake to my half attempts. My mistakes. To a love I lost. A love I’ll never earn. A love who’ll never love me in the way that I love her. And a potential that burned itself down on the altar of physical pleasure. I keep searching and I only seem to accumulate pain and the frailty of the possible.