I’ve recently been told that I don’t come off as a Top or Master. Which I find interesting, since I am one. Perhaps because I am gentle or emotional. I’m not really certain why. Perhaps it’s in my method. Outside of an active scene, I want my submissive to feel fully comfortable. To know that I care for them and that I would never harm them beyond their desire or capacity. I don’t take by force what could be had with gentleness. And even in play I prefer a slow escalation at the beginning of the relationship. Take it slow, get to know their capacities, their desires, what they want to explore, what is absolutely off the table. Bringing out the cat o’ nine on first meeting is a recipe for disaster even if the sub is up for it. If there is something I cannot abide it is a top that makes a submissive feel like they are not loved. A submissive is a treasure, outside of scene they should feel like they are. A top is responsible for not just the sexual/sensual well being of their submissive but their emotional needs as well. A top that misrepresents or mistreats a sub pisses me off. So I come off gentle, because I care. A real top is controlled, conscious of their actions, can appear cruel but is focused on the goal. Their pleasure is a piece of it, but they are responsible for their submissive’s pleasure as well. Being a brutal and selfish lover does not make you a top or master, it makes you an asshole.
Rant
Friendzoning
I know there is a bunch of controversy surrounding this word. Let me explain my definition.
Friendzoning is about someone deliberately stringing people along with the full knowledge that they have no intention of pursuing a romantic relationship while playing at the possibility that there might be one.
It is not about desiring sex and being denied it because the relationship between them is friendship.
If an individual cannot maintain the emotional distance required by friendship Eg not letting it spill over into desire, then it behooves the person to be honest and tell the one who wants friendship only that they desire a romantic relationship and would persue friendship only if it leads to such.
Some people are destined to only be friends. But others you may feel romantically inclined to. If you cannot shift the romantic interest into agapic entanglement then you owe it to yourself and the person to be honest about your intentions. If you are and they don’t feel the same way then walk away. Staying can only be damaging. Maybe some distance will change your mind.
Back to my main point, friendzone.
To me friendzoning is a deliberate manipulation, it means that the Desired is stringing along the desiree with the possibility of a romantic relationship in order to fulfill their own emotional or material needs without consideration of the emotional wellbeing of the desiree. This is not actual friendship. This is borderline sociopathic behavior.
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Do not read this if I was dating you… Shit you’re reading it aren’t you
So the previous two posts were obviously about someone. And a situation I horribly mishandled, but I’m actually relieved.
I hate Disneyland. Absolutely hate it. It perpetuates a false image of innocence on the backs of all of the Disney Princesses. Sleeping Beauty, original story, the “prince” rapes this 13 year old girl in a coma and she wakes up from giving birth. The other stories are all equally horrible.
Plus the Mussolini style rules and regulations for working there, creeps me out.
And yes, I went terribly overboard with the texting. I didn’t know what was happening and no offense to people who are cool with not hearing from someone for days, but that is nuts. And I did go a little crazy, shifty guy in the corner crazy. But no communication of any kind for the better part of a week, I’m gonna go a bit nuts.
Now if it were a call me at 2 am relationship, no contact for a week, whatever. Or a “I work 80 hour weeks and sometimes I just want to be spanked and held”, again no issue. But a actual emotional relationship, I feel it requires communication. Maybe that makes me old fashioned.
I don’t know. And I really don’t, too many of the first 2 varieties skews your sense of what works in other situations.
Back to my main point, I feel relieved. While I’m OK with pretty much anything and you can’t shock or make me uncomfortable, we should have some points where our passions meet up.
I guess I’m a Gomez and Morticia Adams type of person. I want something that passionate, and that strange and wonderful. So I’m just a man waiting for my Morticia, or my Gomez, or both. I’m open to it, as long as there’s love.
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Perhaps more hubris than necessary
Every man with a bit of self awareness sees himself as a devil. You step lightly through the world because, imagined or not, the feeling that you are powerful is at your core. This idea that is central to our being shapes us. Makes us monsters but perhaps not monstrous. Capable of horrible consequences as we stomp through the world.
It’s one of the reasons I support equality for women. For purely selfish reasons. I don’t want the actions of the moment to have disastrous consequences. If women are culturally equals then the force of a man’s word can be diminished. I want an equilibrium.
The general idea is for women to be, culturally, as powerful as men. My hope is a lowering of men’s cultural significance as women’s cultural significance rises. To have the other is to see two tyrants fighting for control. Long term it’s a recipe for disaster.
The use of loaded terms is dangerous. Not in that it will let “them” know you are fighting but that it sets up a scenario in which you feel justified in categorizing a group of people as Other.
When a person ceases to be an individual and are seen as a cog in a machine it becomes an act of simple justification to destroy them in pursuit of lofty goals. Do not allow yourself to be lulled to sleep by the usage of such terms.
Any group that labels then demonizes another is carrying out an agenda, generally one that does not care who it grinds underfoot. Revolutions are tricky things. Just remember that the ones that fight and have the ideals are rarely the ones that shape the future if revolution is successful.
It is either a cult of personality that usurps the victory for its own ends, not really a concern here as there is not currently one focal point for which such a thing to form. Or it is those that come after that have only the rhetoric and fervor but few ideals. This is the one to be avoided as it causes the most lasting harm and the scenario most likely if we give in to the desire for quick fixes.
Stable cultural norms are crafted down generations. And now as we enter the last several generations of a long trend the tendency is to rush it forward; doing so will cause more destruction than it prevents. Warning given and done.
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“Any failure traceable to arrogance, or our lack of comprehension or readiness to sacrifice would inflict upon us grievous hurt both at home and abroad.” Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1961
This is rant will certainly be inflammatory.
It is my belief that the Unites states of America, as a whole, has become a nation of cowards. Not as individuals, I’m sure we can all point out dozens of cases where individuals did heroic or amazing things. But as a nation we no longer have the will to see things through or to take the actions that are vital to our survival as a nation. I not only speaking of the wars we fight that started as a knee jerk reaction but the fact that we then fail to extricate ourselves from those conflicts with any binding and permanent effect. We instead retreat because Americans as a body lack the will to continue.
Our politicians are an extension of our will, it may not seem so most of the time, but they WILL DO whatever is necessary to get elected/reelected; in that at least they are consistent; when we, as a whole, lacked the will to continue, as support eroded we slapped together a regime, and propped it up and said to the world, Look here, we tore it down but look we put a government back up. That it was a government that cannot succeed given the cultural influences of the area they live in was inconsequential. We lacked the will to do what was necessary for them. Instead of doing what needed to be done, we pulled up stakes and left. Leaving what was roped in place hastily to fall on its own. The current state of affairs is neither shocking nor unpredictable. Any dozens of analysts, political and apolitical alike could have given our leaders the same information. But it would not have mattered. Because the people that put them in power lacked the will to stay or enact a course for permanent lasting change; That is the effect of our cowardice outside our nation.
The effect inside is a growing divisiveness and will for change coupled with an apathy and the childlike mentality that the government can make everything better. The government in a republic is only as good as the people themselves are. We were once amazing, not smarter or more compassionate, not wiser or happier. We once had the will needed to enact our vision individually and as groups, of what this nation would be. We were passionate about our country, not as a misguided nationalism secure in the belief that our nation was blessed be deity and thus could not fail, but willing and hopeful participants in our own liberty. Voting was a duty and a privilege not taken for granted. Those who had it used it, those who didn’t, wanted it. Rightly seeing it as a primary step in equality.
Once you can vote, the government of a republic must pay attention to your desires. The apathy we feel for government is insidious. We have allowed 2 political parties to become the norm, and they are virtually indistinguishable from each other, at least in action if not in platform. 3rd parties are crushed down and forced to fight tooth and nail just to be seen on a ballot with legal action taken by both parties to keep them from being heard. And we as a people do nothing. we sit on the sidelines and convince ourselves that it doesn’t matter anyway because all politicians are corrupt. As long as we allow this cowardice to continue we will have exactly the government we deserve. Until our freedoms have eroded away and our vaunted Constitution is just a pretty piece of paper in a building schoolchildren are forced to go to.
Here is a hint, in the voting people there is always a third blank line. That is not extra, you can write a candidate in, being on the ballot makes things easier but it is not the only option. We the people, have the power to make these changes. To wake up and see what our government does and does not do well. And limit it to those things we need it for instead of those things we lack the will to do ourselves. We need to wake up before it is all gone. This is metaphorical call to arms not a specific agenda. Until we make these changes in ourselves, vote nationally and active locally there is no escaping this downward spiral. Until we take up the reins again and dream, and act on those dreams, of a better informed future. The government will keep grabbing up the power that we refuse to take up ourselves until this dystopian society we are seemingly obsessed with comes to pass.
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Control
I don’t like to ask for help. Even when I’m paying for services, the initial call to make an appointment is a source of anxiety. It is not about self-sufficiency or ego. It is that I am giving control over some aspect of myself to someone. Outside of a specific set of circumstances, where I give up control in favor of its illusion, that is very difficult for me. Control is at the core of who I am. Control of my impulses and the aspects of my darker nature. To channel them into less destructive paths. One of the reasons I try to always speak the truth. A lie, once spoken, takes on a life of its own. It moves into other people and is transformed. It cannot be controlled. But the truth? The truth is a naked blade, sharp, beautiful and deadly. It lays self evident and perfect. I acknowledge that I can only control myself. That to control others, outside of a specific set of mutually agreed on circumstances, is impossible and further is a breaking of my first rule. So when I am forced to give up some of my hard won control, I have a hard time with it.
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Late post
So I am scheduled to write something today, and I’m already posting this late. and I got nothin’. I had the thought on Saturday as I posted that unscheduled post that maybe I should hold it back and schedule it for today; but I thought, nah, I’ll have something for Wednesday. Turns out, not so much. Just another lesson to writing on a schedule. You have an idea. write it down. Don’t post it immediately; schedule it. If you have another idea, great. If not, your covered. Lessons learned.
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In passing
I ponder sometimes the methods by which I’ve been rejected or rebuffed.
The straight forward “Not interested” is the best. There is no wiggle room, no space for hope in that. Just fact. I wish there was more of that.
The online dating reply of silence – it’s the passive form of the not interested. Just as good, but with some space for fantasy.
Edit:I’ve decided that no this option is hell. Just say not interested people.
The “it’s not you, it’s me”, these are the “nice” let downs. These are killers. You walk away feeling like it is indeed you and if you are weak you try to change, but inevitably, just make it worse. Whatever IT is.
The “I’m not in the right headspace for dating”. Just no, this leaves the poor bastard swimming after you on the hook. Unless that was your intention, in which case you earn an askance look and a “that’s fucked up”.
The “I just want to be friends”. If true then it is a valid stance. But only from your side. The person asking you has already stepped beyond that, in my experience, and can’t really go back to that frame of mind. They will always want that something more. The only cure is if they find someone else on their own. On their own emphasized, if you hook them up then if it falls apart they will be right back with you. After all you cared. In this it is like feeding a stray cat, they will come back.
The insult. “you’re too fat, ugly, tall, skinny, gloomy, serious, funny” For me this is as good if not better than the straight not interested. You jump directly into fuck them mode, which makes it so much easier for me to walk away. I know it can backfire though if the person is not strong enough. To the weak willed or inexperienced this is taken as a suggestion to change and tragedy ensues.
This has been another installment of passing thought becomes post. Thanks for reading.
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Thinking
Something I think often, is a simple statement. something bound up in all kinds of thoughts and ideas.
I say/think: “All realities are one”.
Sometimes I mean that this reality is a part of a continuum of realities in a many worlds idea of quantum behavior. Sometimes I mean that forces moving seemingly unseen are as much a part of the world as This building or that car is.
Today, I mean it in this way:
All Realities are one. Our lives running in singular paths etching their way lightly or deeply on the pattern of the world. We seen our lives as singular, as the following of one thing after another. But the real, the truth, is that each piece moves in both its own accord and at the behest of outside forces. Each of our realities impact each other reality, sharply or dully, but the effect is there.
We, none of us, are alone. We isolate ourselves and make castles for our psyches, create units and set them apart, but really they are simply knots in the greater tapestry. Seeing the whole picture can be difficult. And we often only see a small piece but it is worth the effort. Looking inward isn’t always the best path to seeing yourself. The confluence that you sit in the middle of is more telling if you understand where the originating waves come from.
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Self
The fallacy of the self, is that the only way to act, believe, worship, experience joy or pain, to fail or succeed, is the way that you yourself do these things. Inability to see the different paths, different journeys, to these ends is not good or bad. What it is, is simply human. We see the world through a myopic lense. One composed of our needs and desires. To transcend this we need to look at the other side, not just accept but experience it. The human mind is infinitely malleable. What we state we believe becomes what is. And using this tool we can find empathy for any state. But be warned, you must step lightly, for the use of this method can destroy the self that began the journey. And if you are lost, then that self becomes lost forever.
Pelgris 