Thoughts on a mind in a broken world

Is it weird to miss that heightened state of alertness? That paranoid hyper vigilance which comes from trauma?
Because, I miss it. It was the one thing that made me feel power over my anxiety and depression. The thought being, at least I can see what others can’t. Can know what others don’t. Be aware of the world in a way that few are.

I know why I lost it. I spent alot of effort to no longer be constantly aware of every little thing. And I’m not saying it’s gone completely. When my anxiety flares or when I’m in a genuinely unknown or scary situation its back. But in my day to day, its gone.

But still, is it weird to miss one of the things which defined you? Which you used in proactive ways? Even if it was harmful overall.

It may be odd. It may just be human nature. To miss what was, even if what was, was harmful.

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