…misses the mark by a country mile(addendum to An arrow from a clear blue sky)

So my earlier post was one where I let my overthinking brain effect me in ways that you think I would be used to. But nope.

I spoke with who I was concerned I had wronged and I found that I couldn’t have been more incorrect if I had a team of experts working on it.

As much as I value communication, I suppose I need to be better at it. Practice, practice, practice

An arrow from a clear blue sky

For the last three days I was happy. Not manic as I’ve been before but happy, truly happy. Not because I was with someone, not because I’d fallen in love. I’ve let go of all of that. It’s not going to happen. I recognize that now.

But accepting that, I was happy. Then I read something and realized that I may have put my desires ahead of a friend’s needs when they were hurt and the glazing over my heart cracked and shattered. And I am left with this terrible possible truth. I don’t know if she would regard it the same.

For me it had been a bright beautiful moment a day of complete bliss and joy. I thought I was helping a friend. And doing it in a way that was needful, neccesary. The right perfect action in the moment. And if I was wrong about that. Then nothing I’ve ever done is right

My happiness and this incident are months apart.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m just looking for a reason to be hurt

Love, in its many forms

When I say “I love someTHING”, I mean I feel a deep emotional connection to that thing or that this thing in some way makes my life livable. I love music or I love Luis Royo’s art. When I say I love you, I mean I feel a deep and abiding emotional connection that changes how I see the world because now all things include you in the context loop of my thoughts. When I click Love in a social media context I mean I either love you the person dealing with situation or that the thing is something I feel a deep emotional connection to.

This is a reaction to the “I love you” vs “I’m in love with you” statement.

People use the wording to differentiate romantic vs Platonic love. For me, platonic love is merely a lower level of romantic love. Often, platonic love is just a suppression of romantic love, which can become more if the opportunity presents itself.

Family is different. I love them at a remove from myself. They exist as love by connection, if that makes sense.

Platonic and romantic love, exist internally. Familial exists outside that. It is a web of obligations and connections. In many respects it is like the way that I regard someone as mine. It invokes a web of obligations and connections. Maybe that makes for a muddle but it exists as crystalline truth to me.

Unknown observer

In my heart
is a poison vial
and I know not
whether I am alive or dead
Poised between love and oblivion
I cannot know until I am seen

A city of half closed doors turned inside out

I have made a garden of bones, of sinew
Flowers of synapse sparking lightning to the chill night air
Pathways of blood mark the dark ways wending to the heart
Sits beating a slow rhythm of hope
Topiarys of muscle expand and contract
Exposed nerves shiver in the wind
Thoughts and dreams play out across a storm strewn sky
Broken arrow teardrops fall piercing this exposure

Choice by broken choice

Her touch was a fire, a flame, a conflagration
Made evident by vibration, by tremor, by voice
like broken glimmerglass dreams
Slide step by step
Into deep memory

Selfish or just human?

I know that I am fundamentally selfish. I see things first through the lens of how it will effect me or of what I want or hope for. I don’t think that is a problem as long as I am aware of it and take steps to compensate for it. But I can’t help but think that, when I see something that might be effecting someone I love, that I hope that’s not why they are interested in me. And on reflection, really only that. The feeling that I might be being used in a way that is beneficial primarily for them while I languish in emotional half states never knowing if a more equitable possibility is on the horizon or if this almost but not quite is all there is.

I think in terms of my self for a slight moment or two before I move that over and think, if they are really going through something, how can I help?

I hope that is the more important part. That despite a reaction of selfish thoughts, I ultimately move to say and act in support.

A familiar dream

I had a dream that I worked for Elon Musk directly. The work was infiltrating and inspecting companies that he owns or has partial stake in. I had parted ways with him amicably to go work for another company but was now bored with that work. I had mastered all of the pieces of a pretty complicated system after a few years and was bored again. I’d stopped working for Musk partially because the work had become too dangerous. But in my current state of boredom it made sense to call him up and see if he had any piece work he needed done. He did. There is a company that was building a underground cargo hauling business. Not underground in the illegal sense but literally underground. They were 200 feet down carving through the bedrock a network of tunnels to haul goods without having to mess about with terrain features, other people, weather issues, speed limits and other problems. It was a huge outlay of time and resources with no immediate or short to mid term profit prospects and it was amazing. He needed me to get into the tunnels and make sure the workers were motivated and that management was not intentionally dragging its feet. I got in and found that the delay was that they had found jade and fossils. They had already routed around the fossils and were looking for a route around the jade. I broke into the office and was going through the paper work when the owner of this company broke through the locked door before I could make good my escape through the side tunnels; He knew me from years before and knew that he was being audited. On the verge of a breakdown he asked what he was doing wrong; what he could fix. I assured him that there was nothing wrong. This was a inspection and they happen at all of Musk’s companies. He doesn’t go in for sending in corporate teams. “Give people time to prepare and even if they don’t mean to, they will end up lying to you,” is what Elon always says. The fossils and the jade are good things. We can route a side tunnel to the fossils and bring in archeologists and that will bring some good publicity should we need it. Plus advancing knowledge is what Elon is all about. The jade is just good business, we mine that and use the profits to offset the costs. Plus with the markets in jade cut off right now due to political unrest we will basically own the market. This venture will see profits for a few quarters which will please the money men that Elon is working with.

Of course, I’m highlighting here, the dream included things like the feel of the tunnels; the steam and the heat, and the infiltration was more harrowing than I am writing but in the dream it was something I had done many times before. Including a backdoor escape route that involved a hidden egress point that the miners did not know about that led to a natural cave system that allowed retreat. But that all felt like old hat. Something that I had done before and not really worth mentioning.

I counseled the owner and calmed him down then left in the normal way. On getting back to my car I find Mr. Musk’s general troubleshooter waiting at the car with a job offer. I was to infiltrate and gain access to something. I say something because I don’t recall what it was. Just that it was important and that I had a plan to get in. I invited some friends in the business. Quasilegal inspection teams being something that does occur at the levels we were playing in. Part infiltration expert, part forensic accountant, part engineer, we were rare but not unknown and the work was always interesting. I was setting up the job and infiltrating a secondary target with the team to find out how we worked together. Then I woke up.

I wonder

I wonder if it would be better to accept that my love is dead. That there won’t be another. Much as it physically pains me to think it.

Later:  I suppose I just can’t. And I know Morgan would kick my ass for thinking that I should. She was the practical one. I miss her.