I wonder what it is like to receive my romantic attention. Is it smothering to be thought of in focus? By which I mean as a primary thought, like writing or learning. To know that I think about them when I wake up, when I sleep, and just during the day. To read my poetry that they inspire, to receive compliments and pet names, to hear the thousands of thoughts that slam into my brain.

To deal with the way my brain works, confident but always willing to read a situation as negative. Needing to be reassured of your interest until I’m completely confident in it. Needing to hear back as soon as possible. Needing to know why you aren’t available or will be gone for whatever ongoing conversation we are having.

Dealing with my rules. Dealing with my sexual appetite. With my stories about what I desire to do with and to you, then your realization that they weren’t so much stories as points of intention.

Maybe it’s all too much and the relationship just dies under the weight of communication. I try to restrain my heart, but I often fail. I try to be easy and chill but it’s not my nature. Serious and intense is my nature, though I can be silly if I feel safe. I don’t know. I guess that’s why this is bothering me at three in the morning.