sharing

My idea of a perfect date

Pelgris8 Comments

We sit together in a nice spot with waiters and quiet. Drinking coffee and texting each other. Smiling and holding hands. Occasionally talking. Maybe just reading books together and sharing this great passage that we read. Maybe putting up our phones and kissing like the world has fallen away and only you and I exist. We only leave when we can no longer stand the minutes of being separate and we go to whoevers place is closest. Where we start the dance again until we are both comfortable. Maybe kissing and talking is what we do. Maybe sharing our music and a exploration of lips. We explore each other. That is my perfect date.

I’m a physical person. But I’m also reticent at first. And I enjoy the quiet moments and little truths. A date will always include touching if I’m enjoying it. Because when I touch, my mind encapsulates the memory and it is with me forever. In perfect clarity.

Conversations on conversation

PelgrisLeave a comment

In nearly every conversation I have now, there is the element of fear. I speak about my interests and desires, my past and present. I share my work and my self with anyone that expresses genuine interest.

The fear of rejection, of pushing away those I find alluring are present during. But while we’re talking it’s like a exhibitionist high, or the submissive float. I say whatever I desire, engage in wordplay and generally have fun.

But after, it’s like an adrenaline crash. I shake and fear that what I said, while truthful, will push away someone who could be an amazing relationship but won’t be because I pushed too far, too fast in the tumultuous rush of my Rollercoaster of conversation.

And it’s hard to admit to this fear. I control my self, my emotional reactions. But no matter what I do, this fear is present. It doesn’t stop me. In a way, it pushes me forward. But I can’t seem to shake it. For someone who lives so much in his head, conversation is my way of sharing my world. But after I do, I want nothing more than to have and be held. A physical balm for the emotional tumult.