Not that modern

I’m into commitment. I don’t mean that in some sort of modern wishy-washy kind of way. I’ll dip my toe in the waters, but once I make the decision, I’m all in. I don’t do half measures or halfway and from the people I date I expect the same.

I’m intense and serious. A friend once said that I’m 90 percent serious, and that’s true. I commit to my friends just as hard, but I don’t expect them to. I’m a hard man to know if only because I’ll share most of my secrets and that can obscure what I’m not saying.

All of this being said, there are still people that shine like black Opal in a sea of milk. People who I’ll break my heart for, break my rules for. To them I’ll say, I am more than I seem, I am not one thing but many. But maybe that’s my heart talking, my heart falls in love a little bit and never falls out.

Startle the snakes

I’m tired of trying, of beating the grass hoping you’ll show yourself.  Maybe we only get one, maybe giving up, giving in is the only choice left. 

Talking with you is like cutting myself.  It’s cathartic, pleasurable and never comes to anything.  When it’s over, you don’t initiate contact, I always must.  It’s leaving scars, without the accompanying good memories.

And I can’t stop feeling that there is some connection and you won’t talk to me, won’t tell me.  Leaving me dangling over the ledge, yelling for someone to come but they never do.

There comes a point where the pain of without you is less than the hope of with you and that point is fast approaching.

Why 6

I wipe the phone down after calling the local precinct. Caution is more useful than bullets. Hopefully, they’ll get the girl buried. Bring a little peace to her parents.
The bartender slips me a ounce of weed. It’s nice to see commerce is alive and well. It’s not for me, too mild a high, but now he’s complicit in a crime and less likely to describe the guy who used the phone.

I swing out of the parking lot and drive down the road, lots of medical clinics in this area. I drop the weed off at a friend’s shop, she is provides hospice to cancer patients. While I idle in the parking lot waiting for her to send someone to collect, I clear out the clingers and remora. Bottom feeders of the spirit world. The look like mouths with razor sharp teeth and long eel bodies. She’s paid up to the end of the month, it’s all part of the service.

Most successful recovery rate in the area, you’d think they’d be pounding on my door but I’m not theatrical enough, not enough chanting and sage smudging. That shit is either window dressing or a focus for a lazy mind.

Maybe I’ve just been doing this too long, or maybe I don’t want to think about the next dead kid.

Dream

I dreamed that I was sitting in my room doing laundry by hand, not sure why. While I was doing that a drunk drove his Oldsmobile cutlass through the window or my sisters bedroom. She was unfazed and kept watching TV. The guy tried to climb out the window of his car.

I handcuffed him and waited for the police. Then his brother showed up and I fought him to a standstill, that’s a little blurry but I think I jabbed him with a bamboo Bo.

We ended up talking over drinks at a bar 200 feet from my house through an stone archway that opens into a kind of open air mall. We have a few drinks and he is trying to help his brother out of a sense of duty, which I totally get. Plus, it turns out he works in the same circles I do.

He Works for the government. I do Work for a quasi-goverment intelligence agency. Work is a euphemism for paid assassin. My family, in whose house I was, doesn’t know what I do.

I meet a woman at the bar, while we’re drinking. Turns out I knew her in high school, but we didn’t hang. We have sex almost immediately. I remember it being good and urgent, full of need and desire.

We start dating. Meanwhile, I engineer the release of my colleague’s brother, though to my family, it looks like he was arrested. Me and the young lady, slip deeper into love. At a party, after a successful mission, I’m riding the high of a well executed job and invite my friend/boss to review the after action report. Both the execution and the results of the action will be especially good for us, I feel like I’ve reached a new level.

My love comes by to celebrate with me, we slow dance, but end up stopping in the middle of the dance floor. We kiss, soft with just enough pressure. The need for each other is still there but backed now with the firmer emotional background. She says, “That’s the first time we’ve kissed where I felt as a part of something greater.” I look deep into her eyes and say “I love you.” I wait a beat then say, with a grin “and I think we should get out of here, I’m pretty sure that dancing implies movement, not that standing here holding you isn’t great.”

She takes my hand and I follow her up some stairs and into a market, the same market from before. Time skips forward, she knows I do something secretive and that I have money, we are getting a drink, fireball whiskey, a couple of shots.

She is buying something at a booth and I’m waiting to order an ice cream sandwich. Ice Cream and booze is always good. While I’m waiting, the counter clerk calls out my name, someone else orders the same thing I would. The clerk delivers it to me, and the someone, a handsome man, he asks can he share.

He is clearly flirting and I raise my voice and ask my girlfriend if we want a third to join us, half joking, she says no and I smirk and tell him, better luck next time. I go to my girlfriend and we walk hand in hand to my loft.

She runs in through the wrong door, into my neighbors place, it is light and airy, full of plants and simple pleasures. She needed the sink, I apologize to them but they are just concerned about her, they are nice people.

She recovers and we go up to my apartment. The decor is modern, all metal surface and soft eggshell white.

Someone is waiting for us, tries to kill me, I fight and kill him instead, with a garrote that is in my collar lining. She is in shock.

I get us out of there to a safe house with a organized crime outfit that owes me some favors. She refuses to talk to me, she feels betrayed, but I need to make sure we’re safe. I’m talking with my contact about who could have placed the hit, then I wake.

Dream

I had a dream that I was the third person in a poly relationship. I was living in their house in Flagstaff. She was intelligent and cute. She loved the little things, strawberries with cream. He was a creative type, he came from money and was a little awkward with having a third in his bed but I never felt unwelcome.

My weight wasn’t an issue and they liked that I liked the darker things. We didn’t just have sex. We had long rambling conversations and genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. I was on a extended vacation and trying to figure out how to go to work and stay with them.

They had lived here their whole lives and while they took trips and lived other places they always came back here.

The dream transitioned into a harvest festival, she was a baker and made some pies, he spoke some memories that had people laughing and crying. They were pillars of their community and I didn’t want to embarrass them so I sat apart, but she insisted I sit with them. I did and received a strong kiss from each. There was some muttering but they held high.

I’ve never felt so accepted or loved. After the party broke up I went exploring, this was Flagstaff and not Flagstaff, the University was shutdown for years and it was traditional to go exploring in there after festival.

I went and quickly got lost. But I never despaired. I knew that I had a reason to keep going. I had to get back to them. I can’t remember why I left. Some foolish whim. Some towns folk played a prank where they dressed like monsters and hunted the people in the place. It was scary but it was a game and no one got hurt.

I hooked up with a larger group and led them to safety out of the buildings. They said it was the first time so many people weren’t turned into zombies by the end of the night. And I went home, triumphant, and into their arms. Then I woke.

Music Review

I don’t have it in me to write a poem for today so instead here’s some music choices.

Dommin-Rise

This is a good album and I’m happy I kickstartered it, through pledge music. Slightly less dark than their other albums, but if you like romantic goth then it’s good. Think HIM with less of Morissey vibe.

Requiem-their ouvre

I saw these guys at the William Control show(note: William Control is no longer supported by me, Edited 12/14/2019).  I am very impressed with their music.

The weepies

Some nice folk rock; slightly less sad than Daughter

Started listening to The Requiem Podcast; not to be confused with the band. I’ve been listening to DJ Count for years; Cemetery Confessions is a great step forward on his part.

And finally Straight Line Stitch, great band, very happy with their music.  Female vocalist is always a great addition to metal music.

Why 5

I’ve seen the darkest parts of humanity. I’ve watched civilizations drink their greatness down and burn themselves on the altar of their pride. But I’ve seen selflessness and generosity. Love. Everytime I give up on them, everytime I think they just aren’t worth it, they surprise me.

Why 5

Sometimes when a spirit comes through to our world it’s disoriented. It lashes out at whoever opened the way. This is not that. I don’t know what this is. I walk out to my car and get in.

If this were a decade ago, I would have called the police from a pay phone. As it is I’ll need to figure something else out. I can’t just leave her all alone in there. Her family deserves to know.

There is a restaurant near here. Restaurants tucked into neighborhoods, what’s old is new again. They specialize in crepes. Pretty delicious and they have a landline. I think it’s meant to be ironic. But it’ll do.

Gentrification

I’m driving to drink
To walk around a town on the brink
Is it all just pretension, culture swirling the sink
Sitting in a loft downtown
Paid for by daddy’s money and stepmommy’s wink

I’m an artist I declare
I find my muse in the bottle of locally sourced heritage rum
My friends all say I’m groundbreaking
It’s breathtaking
This painting
It’s really about the brushstrokes that I didn’t use

The parties are thrown for desperations sake
One last wake
One last fling

I guess I’ll go to law school

Grandeur

Slipping into the delusion
Grandeur in the mind
Lord of my domain
I dance the grip of manic revelry
False start
Leads tumultuous fall
Weeks in the grave
To come bursting into the light
Sine wave
The highs amazing and the lows productive
What’s not to like?

Why 4

They say that love conquers all.
And for the most part they’re right. I’ve seen it topple kingdoms and cause the slaughter of thousands. But true love, true love conquers truth. I’ve seen it destroy gods, lay waste to hope, and infect populations. There is nothing more destructive than love. Nothing more despicable than those that cast aside duty for love.

Why 4

You know, standing over the corpse of a dead girl isn’t as sexy as all those cop shows make it out to be. It’s not the smell, it’s all the hungry ghosts. They swirl around drinking the essence of the dead. Waiting for the mourners, waiting for their pain. I’m not saying that there aren’t happy spirits carousing in playgrounds, but I’ve never met them. Maybe it’s the company I keep.

Time to get to work.
I can feel her ghost, hovering and hiding.
She’s in the first aetheric.
To start, I spin a spool of energy out, life force distilled. Then I shape a window from this world to that. It forms and the chaos of the recently dead, the small elements and weak attachments comes into focus. Through it all I see her form. More solid, but missing peices. A surge of power and I force the clutter away, another and I open the window, a third and she stands before me. Confused and afraid, no god to claim her. The white gods detritus all over her, as it clouds all these young fools.

She’s missing chunks, something has taken bites out of this poor girl. She’s missing her tongue, her heart and liver. Lots of nutrients in the liver but I’m proper fucked. No tongue, no info.

But this is confirmation, no mortal killer did this. With a mortal, there may be bits missing from the body, but the spirit is another matter entire. She should be intact. This wasn’t just desecration, this was hunger.