It’s confusing here. Where? Life.

a kiss of the lips fills me with sick dread
while the kiss of the lash fills me with anticipation;
the stroke of the skin is so divorced from my reality that it freezes me in place;
while the flick of my wrist bringing down the riders crop on skin
the slap and the vibration of a well placed blow makes me shiver in delight
tie me up, tie you down
This vanilla life is so uncertain
I’m not practiced at it
it makes me feel inept, unsure
All the while other skills are rotting on the vine;
And yet I am afraid of falling into the life again
It feels like a step back, like it served its purpose when I was numb and while I enjoy it occasionally or as dirty talk, I don’t want it as my world. It feels like that world either consumes you or your out of it and I’m not sure where I stand with either; On the one hand, it always excites me, on the other I want love not pain mingled with lust.

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