Inner demons

Just a liar dressed in the clothes of a writer. Just a fraud dressed up as successful. A fool dressed as a genius. A romantic idiot dressed as the jaded master. As plagued by doubts as I am certainties. Both convinced of what I am and cowering in the corner of my mind, convinced I’m a fraud. I could turn this around, make it a rejection of these anxiety filled thoughts. But would that be the lie? What if all I am, all I’ve done, is meaningless. What if these dark whispers are the truth and my confidence the lie? I’ve been wrong before, fundamentally wrong. What if these aren’t demons? What if my brain is just demanding I wake up?

7 thoughts on “Inner demons

  1. I respectfully submit that it doesn’t matter what the truth of the past is. It is gone and can’t be changed. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. You are gifted with today, Sir, with just this second actually… Just NOW. Make every now be about now. Do the best you can in every now. That’s all you can do. Notice when now is overtaken with yesterday’s demons or tomorrow’s. Acknowledge them, but then bring your focus back to now. This one perfect moment. Sometimes just concentrating on each breath in and out is all that it takes to find now again. To find that center.

    And then back to your task… Whatever it is. Eating? Concentrate on eating. Fully experience the act of eating. Taste smell see feel your food. Fucking? Well… ๐Ÿ™‚ yeah.

    I struggle with anxiety too… And learning to be mindful and fully present in the now, just breathing and letting the past be the past and the future be the future… As silly as it sounds, really did help me a lot.

    Are your demons right or wrong? It doesn’t matter. Either way, you have now to do amazing things with. (And you are amazing. Demons or no. You’re brilliant.)

    Liked by 1 person

    • In a way, you are correct. Being in the moment helps. However, this is more about feeling like a fraud. That the achievement or progress or niceties of my life, I’ve lucked into. That my efforts don’t justify what I have. That this will be revealed and I will lose everything. Intellectually, I’m 90% sure that’s not true. But emotionally? Peaking through in my weaker moments? No more than 60%. Additionally, if I abandon the past, I abandon the layers of self and the knowledge and experience it took to build that self. I’m happy you found a path that’s helped you. I appreciate your confidence in who I am. I think it comes down to this: I have my rule about honesty for a reason. I am good at deception. The question is am I so good at deception that I have fooled my conscious mind? Are they demons seeding doubt? Or are they my subconscious pleading with my consciousness to wake up?

      It’s not a spin out like my usual anxiety. It’s new. I’m trying to get a handle on it. Thanks for listening/reading.

      Liked by 1 person

      • If it were true that you’re a fraud who has been lucky, what would you do differently?

        Certainly we can’t abandon the past or the lessons learned there, but we shouldn’t live there. We’re built up of all our past moments and those were lessons hard fought. Keep the knowledge you gained but there’s nothing to be gained by replaying tapes of past mistakes or imagining future failures.

        I wonder which you trust more, intellect or emotion?

        Demons want to convince us they are trying to help us, to save us from embarrassment or failure, but the truth is they are only interested in perpetuating their own existence by seeding doubt. They are mechanisms born of strife and pain and are not healthy aspects of our personalities. They are trigger happy body guards who shoot us more often than external attackers.

        What would you do differently if your consciousness woke up?

        Liked by 1 person

        • I don’t know what what I could do differently. That’s part of what scares me.

          I trust my intuition and my intelligence equally. One informs the other, they work hand in hand. Building a picture from ephemeral and solid sources like echolocation paired with sight.

          If my consciousness woke up? I fear that the person I was, the one I try to channel and change will be unbound by my rules. That I will discard those rules as incorrect action and follow the darker path I was initially on.

          Thank you for your questions. They helped me to see.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. The hardest days in our lives are when we are transitioning into a different version of ourselves. Sometimes I go away for days and don’t talk to anyone. Like a bear nursing a thorn in his paw. Know that you are holding my heart while I heal. xx

    Liked by 1 person

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