Pelgris

I’m Staring at a blank page. I’m Staring at it and my mind is all jumbled up. I’m feeling very insecure and needy. Which I know isn’t attractive generally. I don’t know where I stand with her. It’s both too new and I feel like I’ve known her forever. And I want to hold her hand and do goofy things like skip and sing little songs about nothing. But it’s long distance, and I can’t do any of that. And she likes my writing and what I write is the core of who I am and how I think but she hasn’t seen my knowing smile or my sardonic grin, and I haven’t seen her laugh or drink a glass of wine. And my brain won’t stop asking questions and I’m both elated and terrified because I generally live like there is nothing to lose because without love there isn’t but now I catch myself doing things as if I have nothing to lose but what I have to lose is another word or turn of phrase from her and I wish I could just hold her to feel her as real but I’m busy here drowning in this maelstrom of wants and fears and I want nothing more than her. But am I crazy and this is all too much? It’s like a pit opening up and I know its there and I just can’t stop. FUCK! Brain just calm down, be quiet!… but it swirls and swirls, piranhas in a kiddy pool.