Note: This is a from BDSM Connection~only BETTER: The Sanctuary
So, how is BDSM not abuse? How are near drowning scenarios not abuse? How is whipping a sub not abuse? How are any number of the things we may encounter or participate in within bdsm not abuse?
The answer is simple, really. In bdsm an entire scene, every element of play — ALL ACTIVITY — can be stopped with a simple word (or sign, if there are gags or other things that impede speech). The submissive OR the dominant can “safe word out” of whatever is in process. This is without exception in every safe, sane, consensual dynamic.
Keep in mind that bdsm consists of a complex group of behaviors between consenting adults. The use of “consensual” here means that while there is always an exchange of power and almost always the giving and receiving of intense erotic sensation and/or mental discipline, the participants both have equal power to end/cease/pause any and all activity.
In this regard, the submissive is actually considered the participant with the most power. Yeah, I know. You were convinced the dominants have all the power. We don’t. And we shouldn’t. And that is because BDSM includes intimate activities within the scope of informed consent that is freely given. The “freely given” part should not be overlooked. This differs from abuse. As abuse might include physical, sexual, and/or emotional acts inflicted on a person without their informed and freely given consent.
Believe it or not, “BDSM” is moderated by a governing set of principles. This is “old school” stuff that has been around in terms of use since forever in the lifestyle. It was put into draft form with agreed upon updating in the late 1990’s by the organizers and attendees at an LLC and it’s MUST KNOW material for anyone who is serious about the lifestyle. They are as follows (pulled from a widely circulating copy put out by LLC (Leather Leadership Conference):
Principles
The BDSM-Leather-Fetish communities recognize the phrase “Safe, Sane, Consensual” as the best brief summary of principles guiding BDSM practices:
Safe is being knowledgeable about the techniques and safety concerns involved in what you are doing, and acting in accordance with that knowledge.
Sane is knowing the difference between fantasy and reality, and acting in accordance with that knowledge.
Consensual is respecting the limits imposed by each participant at all times. One of the recognized ways to maintain limits is through a “safeword” which ensures that each participant can end his/her participation with a word or gesture.
Guidelines:
Informed consent must be judged by balancing the following criteria for each encounter at the time the acts occurred:
*Was informed consent expressly denied or withdrawn?
*Were there factors that negated the informed consent?
*What is the relationship of the participants?
*What was the nature of the activity?
What was the intent of the accused abuser?
Whether an individual’s role is top/dominant or bottom/submissive, they could be suffering abuse if they answer no to any of the following questions:
1.) Are your needs and limits respected?
Is your relationship built on honesty, trust, and respect?
2.)Are you able to express feelings of guilt or jealousy or unhappiness?
3.) Can you function in everyday life?
4.) Can you refuse to do illegal activities?
5.) Can you insist on safe sex practices?
6.) Can you choose to interact freely with others outside of your relationship?
7.) Can you leave the situation without fearing that you will be harmed, or fearing the other participant(s) will harm themselves?
8.) Can you choose to exercise self-determination with money, employment, and life decisions?
9.) Do you feel free to discuss your practices and feelings with anyone you choose?
Pelgris 