Month: March 2015

tears at work

PelgrisLeave a comment

I’m tentative these days.

Tentative from a lifetime of longing, from a point to point of hopes lost and in the losing I am diminished.

In the moments where life is lived I find the emptiness of long days stretching out into spaces I wish were as empty as they feel. Spaced equidistant from fulfillment and beauty I can see it on the horizon, stretching my fingers out to embrace it to hold onto its possibilities, to break free from this prison.

I reach out my hand hoping to be pulled up. Your hand rests gently on my head and in the touch hope blooms and I dare see future and joy, right up… until it pushes me back down. Freed from touch for so long that even that minute, that rebuke is desirable.

What history can I share but one of days sitting on the windowsill, looking from my perch into the vast known, alone, head resting on my knee, a sad song hushed over the patter of raindrops on stone.

True answers to questions

PelgrisLeave a comment

I am not ambitious. I don’t need a job to have meaning or be challenging. I just need it to provide funds to allow me to live as I choose coupled with the freedom to by and large do as I wish. I have that.

I don’t fear change. I don’t see the point of change for the sake of change. If there is a goal, and a vision of how to achieve it, then I will work towards the goal. But change for the sake of change seems like running away to me.

My art provides me with meaning. My words have touched more than one life and made that life easier, better. That is enough. Would monetary success be nice? Probably, but it is not the goal.

I have no desire to travel for the sake of traveling. People are the same the world over. I travel for events that can’t be had elsewhere. In a relationship, I travel when it delights my love. I enjoy seeing delight in the eyes of someone I love. If it’s travel that does that then I’m there.

I do not desire adventure. Adventure is what happens when plans go wrong. I don’t seek the chaos that will occur naturally on its own. But I can move and adapt to it as needed.

Life is beautiful, haunting and it ends.
Its impermanence is what makes it worth living. I can spend hours watching clouds race across the sky or people dancing at a club. Experience is the sweeter with someone to share it with. If anything, that is the adventure I’m looking for. That is the ambition I harbour.