I think of my outward personality like a series of doors. Each door containing an aspect of personality, like openness, rigidity, emotional, etc. In my writing, all the doors are thrown open. When I date, I try to do the same.
Though, my success there is mixed and mostly when I am in one of my harder personas. I’m the same person whatever mask I’m wearing but the face I present can be different. With some, I am dangerous. A wolf shaped like a man. With others, I’m the intellectual. For some, I am the Master, a mix of control, danger, and creative. And so on.
I write this because I try to be all of me when I go out on dates. And they all inevitably, inexorably fail. I wonder if the image of myself, full and complete, is too much. Too, seemingly, scattered to be attractive. I’ve worked hard to be more than a cypher for societal norms. But, I’ve perhaps, deviated too far from the standard.
Nobody wants a nervous, emotional, intellectual, Master, artist, priest, geek, it’ll all end in tears but we should enjoy the ride, guy. Someone who is indecisive when it comes to determining course, but deliberate and good at navigating it.
I could just show a single face, but as the other aspects bleed through as time passes, that presents its own issues.
On the one hand, it seems, if I want a relationship, I’ll need to lie. I know, people will say that it’s just putting a spin or putting your best foot forward. But that is a lie, it’s deception pure and simple.
Did I mention something of a hardliner?
On the other is the hope that someone would see all that I am and want that.
Is the possibility of the hope worth the heartache?
Before you say yes think on the emotional wreckage that each failure leaves behind. It fades, but slowly. How many wounds can a person endure?
I suppose the answer is ‘as many as is necessary’.