Further thoughts on self

I’m unsure, unsettled.
I’m not sure that this level of openness is something I enjoy. I’ve always hidden pieces of myself away. Kept them away from the people in my life. Moreover, I’ve drawn strength from secrets.

Since people are only privy to the bits that I dole out. I can say that it doesn’t matter what is going down, in this aspect of self, I am ascendant. I have a 160 IQ. I’m a priest. Or other things. Secrets have become my refuge. Splintered right up against a belief in truth.

Maybe it’s insecurity. I often feel like a fraud. Like I’m pulling the wool over the eyes of people I like and/or love. Perhaps at the heart of the problem is this.
While I like people and can accept friendship, I cannot conceive of a person who knowing everything that I am, everything that I have done or desire to do would still want that friendship, that relationship.
I cannot conceive of a person who would want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.

And if they did, why. What horrible secret of their own drives them to my company.
It is a startlingly level of self doubt slinking beneath the surface of my normal confidence that borders on arrogance.

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