Pelgris

Warning to anyone who knows me personally. This is going to be, perhaps, a TMI post.

This is about my sexual history. Because I am trying to date now and I’m both insecure and apprehensive about this. Because my views and experience seem to indicate that I should be better, more practiced than is reality.

So, my first. I was youngish. Older than most men like to claim. I was 20, she was 18. I came, she didn’t. The relationship that spawned this coupling did not last much beyond this. I wish I had some great or interesting story but alas…

So not a learning experience and little to show for it. I’m sure it was a bland nothing for her as well. In fact, now that I’m thinking about it, that’s why we didn’t hang out further. “You’re boring” I believe she said. It’s odd what you remember.

Moving on, nothing for awhile. Until I met “Sarah. She was the emotional center of my life. She introduced me to kink. I wasn’t a stranger to it. Even from a young age the idea of whips in a sexual context fascinated. But she was both experienced at it and needed it.

Her kink was pain. There was some branching into other areas but it all circled back to that. Many people like a little pain with their pleasure, in the heat of the moment. This was not that.

She wanted, needed pain. I desire to give my partners what they need. That satisfies me. The orgasm is pleasurable, but that is what I need. So I learned to inflict pain. She orgasmed from pain. She was wired that way. I loved her. Her pleasure is my pleasure equals feedback loop.

So bottom line here, we had a lot of sex but pain was the focus. I didn’t learn the ways of pleasure as it were. I have a lot of skin to skin experience but that practiced love making was not in it.

While I was with “Sarah” we attended a few baccanals. Orgies. I just like the term baccanal better, its got style. Indiscriminate fucking there, which drives my number of sexual partners up. Again giving the illusion of experience without the substance.

After “Sarah” I was with Eric. I met him through our (Sarah and I’s) extended friends. He mixed pain and pleasure. He was my Top. This is the first time I have ever given his real name. Before I came out, I always referred to him as Erica. I usually use aliases for people on this blog but I know he would not care.

Probably get a kick out of it. I learned submission from him. I also learned I prefer pain to humiliation. No, stronger. I have no desire to be humiliated; It does nothing for me and can turn me off very quickly.

Eric and I were on again off again partners for awhile(4 years span,  but only together for about 6 months altogether) but nothing major.

I’ve dated here and there but no real sexual relationships beyond those.

So I have had sex many times. But unless pain is your need, I’m unlikely to be good. Not that I can’t learn. Just that my experience belies my skill.

That makes dating awkward.  In every area but this I am confident.  But when it comes down to brass tacks, this one place I am uncertain.