Pelgris

I hate being emotionally vulnerable. I’ve worked to get to this point and now that I’m here I fucking hate it. This state helps me with my writing but its like a slow fire consuming me. The tears and the laughter are so close to the surface now that they erupt out of me without any control. It is the most infuriating thing I’ve ever done to myself.  And most of me wants the throw myself back into the fortress(the prison) of my self control. To submerge these feelings in physical pleasures and pains until they drown and just…shut the fuck up.  The only thing holding me from that is ego.  I won’t let go of anything I’ve fought this hard for.  But I still hate it. The hell of it is; It is such an intensely isolated journey that I’m not even sure anymore why I’m doing it.