Pelgris

I don’t like to ask for help. Even when I’m paying for services, the initial call to make an appointment is a source of anxiety. It is not about self-sufficiency or ego. It is that I am giving control over some aspect of myself to someone. Outside of a specific set of circumstances, where I give up control in favor of its illusion, that is very difficult for me. Control is at the core of who I am. Control of my impulses and the aspects of my darker nature. To channel them into less destructive paths. One of the reasons I try to always speak the truth. A lie, once spoken, takes on a life of its own. It moves into other people and is transformed. It cannot be controlled. But the truth? The truth is a naked blade, sharp, beautiful and deadly. It lays self evident and perfect. I acknowledge that I can only control myself. That to control others, outside of a specific set of mutually agreed on circumstances, is impossible and further is a breaking of my first rule. So when I am forced to give up some of my hard won control, I have a hard time with it.