Hangs heavy the heart

Pelgris

This is the 13th anniversary of Morgan’s death.
I’m reliving those minutes. Those mistakes. In full acceptance. I failed her in a way that I won’t fail again. So I seem like I’m cautious. Making sure we are on the same page. Reiterating thoughts to garner agreement and clarification. A friend of mine said that’s just what a Sir does. Perhaps she’s right. But I think that I must admit that this more than anything is what shaped me. Not just her death. Her murder. But also her life. Her love.

Because of her, I have bedrock proof that love is real. I know that relationships are hard. That letting things go causes damage. That failing to fight for your desires is a mistake. I know that losing someone never goes away. That you don’t heal. Instead you grow around the pain. Grow beyond it. And so appear sound. But the wound is always there.

I thought when I came out of the depression. The bleakness. When I could again feel. I thought that I was healthy. But those were first steps. And really, I won’t ever be whole. No one is. Being whole is being stagnant. Unchanging.

It’s not that I’m hopeful. It’s that I don’t want to fail to live in the love that she showed me was real. How could I dishonor her by failing to see the people around me, See their beauty, Foster their light and darkness?

I take this time. This day. To remember her.
To lament all that was lost.
To realize all that I’ve become.
From this frozen moment, I’d erase if I could.
This bloody seed crystal of the man I am.
Of the person I become tomorrow

13 thoughts on “Hangs heavy the heart”

  1. Coyote from Orion September 19, 2018 / 3:35 am

    Best wishes. Can relate. Sorry I didn’t get it in a recent post.
    Take care

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  4. TheFeatheredSleep September 22, 2018 / 3:46 pm

    Love to you. And remember these words you wrote “Because of her, I have bedrock proof that love is real. “

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          • TheFeatheredSleep September 22, 2018 / 4:21 pm

            I know it’s hard. Bit it’s easy to blame yourself. Hold yourself responsible in some way. Try to put it on your shoulders. I know what you’re doing but even that speaks of who you are. You have too much empathy to ever be the cause or to fail someone.

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            • Pelgris September 22, 2018 / 4:26 pm

              I do now. I was shut down for a long time.

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              • TheFeatheredSleep April 19, 2021 / 2:20 pm

                I just re-read this post and then my comments and came back to your lines: Because of her, I have bedrock proof that love is real. To me this is the redemption. YOU did not fail her. I KNOW that and I have known that a long time as I have known you.

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                • Pelgris April 19, 2021 / 2:23 pm

                  Kind of you to say. I can accept the limits of my responsibility but I cannot completely abrogate it. I feel that would be dishonest and a disservice to her and myself.

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